Jack shared his freshman year of college realities. You can read it here. Now it’s my turn. Overall, this post is less a chronology than it is some truths I’m learning to apply as the parent of a now-adult son. That said, we’ll start with Jack’s freshman year in a nutshell for the sake of context. The following “CliffsNotes” summarize the year in a few short paragraphs. Then, I’ll share a few key takeaways which I’m working really hard to practice.
Freshman Year of College Realities: CliffsNotes
Here goes…
Move-In Day full of promise and rainbows, followed by first two weeks of pink cloud optimism and naivete. Roommate is awesome, and they’ll be best friends. Scratch that. Major roommate issues followed by roommate moving out abruptly by mid-October, leaving half his stuff there for the rest of the semester. Lonely first semester full of fits and false starts to get plugged in. Acquaintances all around, but few real friends. Boy meets girl. Girl leaves. No biggie. Boy meets another girl. Girl leaves. Boy heartbroken for 6.5 hours.
Classes are harder than anticipated, or at least it’s a struggle to manage time and work load with newfound lack of structure in a day. One class dropped to avoid failing and crappy GPA. Frantic calls home. Nothing is right with the world. Late night conversations followed by sleepless nights by Mom. Call by bleary-eyed, stressed-out Mom to Boy next day reveals Boy slept just fine. “What are you so worried about, Mom?” Boy asks. “Everything is right with the world!” Mom slaps forehead. Boy says he’s out of money. Mom says, “Okay I’ll send you money.” Dad says, “Nope. Get a job.” Boy gets job. Job is great. Job sucks. Boy loses job. Boy decides to do without job and instead focus on school. College red tape and bureaucracy often makes Boy and Mom pull their hair out in fistfuls. Mom loses her sh*t with one of the school’s unassuming administrative assistants over the phone. Mom feels bad and thinks about calling back to apologize, but doesn’t. Mom realizes she is now “that Mom” even though she said she NEVER-NO-NOT-EVER would be. Vows to do better next time.
Boy comes home for winter break. Pink clouds, twinkly lights and holiday rainbows last for one week, followed by a mix of storm clouds and 60% chance of major frustration with a cool front of distant and irritable moving in from the west. By week four of winter break, everybody is looking forward to semester two. Semester two is better, but not great for the first two months. A few acquaintances become true friends. Another class is dropped. GPA and study habits begin to stabilize. Boy loves school today. No wait, Boy hates school. It’s getting better. No it’s not. Yes it is. No it’s not. By mid-March, college life is “pretty decent” for the most part. And that’s about all we can ask for on any given day. Over time, Boy demonstrates amazing resilience and maturity, gains skills in money management, study skills, living on the cheap and making friends. When frantic late-night phone call comes, Mom learns to say, “That must be hard. What are you going to do about that?” Instead of “I’ll fix it.” Mom learns to ask, “What are three good things that happened this week?” versus “How was your week?” Mom goes back to sleep and sleeps soundly, for tonight. End of Chapter 1. To be continued, ad nauseum.
Got all that? Or at least the jist? Good, so here’s what I think I learned…
FOMO for Parents: The Struggle is Real
Socially-induced performance pressure and social media doesn’t just plague our youth. It can eat away at us as we deal with freshman year of college realities, or any aspect of life. From over-the-top graduation extravaganzas to “last-summer-at-home bucket lists a la Pinterest” to tear-filled Move-In Days and photos of students being elected most likely to succeed (#proudmom #bestchildintheworld) after their first two weeks on campus or finding their BFF right in their dorm room, the opportunities to feel inadequate are endless. It’s Fear Of Missing Out (FOMO) and for me, it requires vigilant effort to ward off, including frequent social media breaks and surrounding myself with real, authentic friends and trusted confidantes who aren’t afraid of my Ugly and aren’t afraid to show me theirs either.
A wise man I knew used to say, “Comparison Kills Contentment.” Yup. I had to (still have to, daily) make an intentional decision to Live My Own Life, Be Present and Be Grateful versus squandering the gifts right before me by focusing on how they compare to the gifts of others. For me, this will take a lifetime of practice, but it is life changing.
Honestly? I felt no small amount of (dare I say) relief once Jack went off to college. High school wasn’t great for him, and his high school years were no picnic for me either. I was ready to embrace a quieter, more peaceful (although lonelier) home life without my older son at home. I miss him when he’s away, sure. Lots. But it’s a whole new adventure to experience how our family of three-at-home evolves, and I’m super excited for all Jack had ahead of him. This is OUR individual experience. This is OUR story. It’s not going to look like other people’s stories, and that’s okay.
Accepting That Their Character is More Important Than Their Comfort
I’ve heard it said that God is more interested in your Character than in your Comfort. I am learning to embrace this truth not only for myself when dealing with freshman year of college realities and parenting young adult children, but for my kids, too.
When my kids are sad, it’s terribly inconvenient for me. Their discomfort is uncomfortable for me. I want relief RIGHT NOW, for them and for me. So much so, that I have sometimes short-changed the lesson Jack (or my high-school junior, Joe) is supposed to learn, in order to make us both feel better right now. It feels like a fix, but often it’s just kicking that can down the road to be tripped over another day. A lesson unlearned is destined to be repeated. I’m getting better at letting Jack sit with his discomfort (self-inflicted or otherwise), and trust that God has allowed him to be (or placed him) right there for some reason, whether or not I understand why (or ever will).
I have struggled all my parenting life with emotional codependence. “I’m only as happy as my saddest child”. (don’t know who coined that phrase, but it rings true for me). It is only in recent years that I’ve made progress in separating how my day is going from how my children’s days are going. I’m learning to let them be on their path, however rocky, without cutting my own knees on the stones to save them from the pain. This is called detaching with love. “I love you. I’m sad that you’re hurting. I don’t judge you for the consequences you’re dealing with, or the pain that you’re in. Nor do I have the ability to walk this path for you or remove you from it. It’s your life, and you’re going to have to navigate this journey on your own. I’ll be here to listen, to love you unconditionally and to share my experience and counsel, but this is your journey.”
Whatever is going on in Jack’s life (or Joe’s life), good or bad, is exactly where he’s supposed to be right now, for some reason I may not understand. I’ve had to remind myself to take the long view. Today’s heartache or disappointment may be tomorrow’s averted disaster. Today’s failure may be tomorrow’s changed path. Practicing this for my kids is HARD. But God has given me the gift of a few instances where I have personally experienced this truth. Each time I do, it strengthens my resolve. Better yet, Jack and Joe are experiencing this truth for themselves in their own lives.
Dealing With Freshman Year of College Realities Means Adjusting To A Different Parenting Rhythm
When Jack wasn’t here every day, parenting felt sporadic. The first few days and weeks, I texted or called more often than I should have. I worked to break this habit until we settled into a rhythm of a weekly call plus brief, near-daily texts. By about month three, I developed the ability to go several days without contacting Jack at all, which was good for him and for me. This still doesn’t feel natural to me, but it does feel necessary. Both of us seem to function better and more independently when I don’t know every little thing that’s going on. When I was in college, we relied on infrequent letters and even-more-infrequent care packages, plus a weekly phone call home (always on Sunday nights when it was only 7 cents per minute), and I managed to survive. Cell phones hadn’t been invented yet, nor had email or the Internet. Just because I CAN contact Jack easily and cheaply on a frequent basis doesn’t mean that I should.
Throughout freshman year, Jack continued to need me sporadically, unpredictably and (he felt) urgently, usually when things went wrong. I had to avoid the emotional, fix-it mode tailspin this could cause. I tried, not always successfully, to play the role of consultant versus fixer. I made a conscious effort to remember that I am now dealing with an adult son. I would tell myself to relate to him as adult-to-adult. For me, this means asking questions versus giving instructions. “Wow, that sounds frustrating. What do you plan to do about that?” It means empathizing, “Yeah, I’ve done that, too and wow, it sucks. I remember feeling really sad when that happened, but then I realized that…” It means asking permission to offer suggestions, “Would you like to hear some things that used to work for me in that situation?”
For me, the biggest challenge is knowing when to keep my distance and when it’s my duty as a parent to step in and advocate. I have zero advice to give on this topic, since I still get it wrong all the time (IE, the apology I still owe to that administrative assistant at the University of Memphis). But I’m making progress and learning each day. I now know that there are VERY FEW times once Jack moves out and heads to college when I should intervene. Consult and advise from a distance one adult to another, yes. Step in and take over, NOPE. I’ve tried it both ways, and I’m learning the hard way that letting Jack live his own life, stumbles and all, works better in the long run for both him and for me.
The other rhythm adjustment that is still challenging is volleying between having Jack home to having him move away, to having him back home for breaks, especially longer breaks like winter break and now, his first summer home. For this, I’m trying to stick to the truth that I cannot control other people, places or circumstances. I can only control myself. I can set boundaries that work for me and enforce them. This, too, is a practice that will take a lifetime to apply and improve, but I’m making progress.
Being Kind and Gentle With Myself and My Adult Son
As I reflect on freshman year of college realities from a parent’s perspective, I’m learning to remember that I’ve never been through this stage of parenting before, and that I will make mistakes. Jack’s never been a college freshman (now sophomore), and he will make mistakes. I’m trying to be kind and gentle with myself when I mess up. And I’m (hopefully) getting better at being kind and gentle with Jack when he messes up. I’m also trying to be much better at recognizing, acknowledging and praising progress in us both, and in our whole family.
I have to fight my innate tendency to see only the long path ahead, versus looking back and remembering how far we’ve come. I see evidence all over the place, every single day, of all that Jack’s learning, conquering, improving, doing really, really well! I try to remember to tell him so.
I’m also learning that the more I can view Life as an adventure versus a mission, the saner I will be.
Now onto the next chapter: Sophomore Year of College for Jack and Junior Year of High School for Joe. Let the games begin!
Freshman Year of College Realities: The Unedited, Gritty Truth
Starting college this fall? Here’s a firsthand perspective from our son Jack, who just finished his freshman year at the University of Memphis. This is Part 1 of a two-part blog. Next week, you’ll get Mom’s firsthand perspective on freshman year: the Good, the Bad, the Ugly.
As with any life experience, there’s how you THINK it will be and then there’s how it ACTUALLY GOES. We’ve left Jack’s comments unedited, so this may read a bit like a Rolling Stone interview, but we hope it will resonate with someone about to enter their freshman year of college.
Overall, how would you describe your freshman year of college?
JACK: I had a great first year and I can’t wait to go back in the fall. It’s actually hard being home this summer, because I miss my friends at college. That said, freshman year was really, really hard a lot of the time. It wasn’t at all like I thought it was going to be. And it took a long time for things to work out.
How did your expectations about your freshman year of college compare with reality?
“Freshman year was great, but it was also really hard, and pretty lonely for a while.”
JACK: It was lonelier than I expected. High school wasn’t a great experience for me. I figured going to college was the absolute solution to all my problems. It was going to be the life I’d always wanted. But it was super hard. The first week was great. My roommate was from Memphis. I hung out with him and his friends from high school who also went to college at Memphis. I met a ton of people. It seemed like I was off to a great start. Then things settled in and I got lonely. I met a lot of people, but I didn’t feel connected or close to anyone. No one really knew me, and I felt isolated. It takes a long time to sift through all the people to get to the cool ones. In the beginning, I hung out with people I didn’t feel that connected to because I didn’t have anyone else.
It sucks, because you feel like you’re the only one in that situation. It seems like everyone around you is surrounded by friends and already has their group. Like you missed out somehow. It seems like everyone else has it figured out. Especially if you go out of state, like I did. People all around you seem to be hanging around with their best friends, and I didn’t have that. They may be in the same boat, but that’s not how it looks.
Was dorm life what you expected it to be from a social perspective?
Freshman year of college can be lonely at first, but hang in there and be patient.
JACK: I thought I’d meet a lot more people in my dorm, but I didn’t. Or if I did, I’d meet them through other things and then end up finding out they live in my dorm. Maybe it’s not this way everywhere, but in my dorm, most people kept their doors closed most of the time and kept to themselves. There were often people out talking in the common areas. But I’m not the type of person to just go and inject myself into that conversation. My roommate and I got along great the first month, but then ended up not getting along. He was having some personal issues, and he actually moved out pretty early on first semester. So it was even lonelier then, but the good news was that I had the room to myself.
How did social media affect you at that time?
Social media can deceive you into thinking you’re the only one who’s not surrounded by friends and parties. Beware of believing social media.
JACK: Social media totally sucks in terms of your sanity. Don’t use it. All you’re going to see is people at parties, and it’s not going to make you feel good. You’ll see people having fun and who knows, maybe that’s the one time they ventured out of their dorm room all semester and they quick snapped a picture of the one happy moment. But social media makes it seem like that’s what they’re doing all the time, and it makes you feel like a loser. I’d recommend only using social media for staying in touch with specific people. Don’t look at Snapchat stories. Don’t look at Instagram feeds, because it will make you feel like you’re the only one who’s feeling lonely. That’s not the truth, but that’s how it will feel.
So how did you plug in socially?
JACK: I tried anything and everything and most things didn’t work out like I planned. But a few did, and I think that’s just how it goes. So, I guess I would say you should expect the majority of the things you try to connect socially to fail. But you have to keep trying, because eventually something’s going to click.
College is all about just sifting through the bullshit to find the diamonds. Socially and organization-wise and all that, you have to just expose yourself to a bunch of stuff, so you can sort through it and find what works. Shit’s just not going to work out like you think it will. You’re going to be let down.
Getting involved at college can be challenging, and finding true connections may take time.
For example, I went to a student involvement fair, signed up for a bunch of stuff and only got one or two calls back, which seemed like a great way to deter making the effort to get involved. I mean, if you’re going to invite student involvement, you’d better be prepared to respond to those who say they want to be involved. So that was a fail for me.
Also, I went to this open house where all the fraternities were supposed to have tables set up to provide information. It was supposed to be from like 7-9. I got there 15 minutes into the event, but there was only one fraternity with their table still up, out of like a dozen. It was cool because I got to know them and hung out with some of those guys first semester, but it also sucked, because I was there to learn about all the different fraternities and only ended up talking to one.
I went to a lot of things once or twice and then stopped going, because I realized that group wasn’t for me. It was exhausting and kind of demoralizing because I thought I’d never find the right connections, but eventually I did. I felt like giving up a lot, but now I’m really glad I kept putting myself out there. It eventually paid off. It just took a while. Like forever.
You’ve said that in terms of making social connections, you think it’s harder for guys than girls. Talk a little bit about that.
Experiencing loneliness is normal, and most people experience it at some point during their freshman year.
JACK: Yeah, it sucks extending yourself. At first, especially if you’re a male, it’s way harder. I’ve talked to girls about this, and they agree that they’re able to be way more open with each other and happy and bubbly and whatever. But with guys, we are expected to play it cool. Meanwhile, we’re really lonely inside and just want someone to care about us. If you’re a guy, a lot of people you meet that are guys will act like they don’t care about you, because we’re guys and that’s how we are, which is stupid. It’s harder for guys to put themselves out there because the chances of rejection are so much greater. With girls, to me, it seems like it’s just so open and ridiculously easy. I’m sure I’m wrong, but to me, it seems easier for girls.
But I think the whole freshman year loneliness is common to everyone to a certain extent. I’m in Student Government Association (SGA) and I was talking to this girl who’s the president of SGA in her senior year. She knows everyone on campus now and she’s totally plugged in. She told me that the only thing she did her freshman year was go to class, eat, go to her room and study. She was super lonely her first year. Now, she’s the president of SGA. The point is, even for someone who looks like a rockstar, it took a while to meet people.
So how did things eventually turn around for you?
JACK: I think the most amazing and frustrating thing to me was how incredibly long it took to feel like I fit anywhere. It eventually clicked halfway through second semester. It was literally like a night and day difference for me between January and March. By March, I’d met one really close friend I could truly connect with and hang out with. With academics, career stuff, student organizations, social stuff, it takes a long time to really find your place. And you don’t know what your place is when you get there. It takes just about the whole first year to really figure out, ‘Oh so this is who I’m going to be in college.’ Shit takes time, G.
Most of the stuff you try just won’t work. I spent all first semester hanging out with a group of guys whose fraternity I planned to join second semester, and then they didn’t extend me a bid. So that felt like a big old waste of time, and it was painful being rejected. But I ended up joining another fraternity that did work out, and now I know that’s exactly where I’m supposed to be.
My best friend from first semester, like the only guy I really connected with, decided to transfer to another college, so that sucked. In fact, I can’t think of anyone that I hung out with first semester that I’m still hanging out with.
The turning point for me didn’t happen until about March. I met the person I’d call my closest college friend now through a mutual friend. We started hanging out most days. About that time, I also started finally plugging into my music classes and started doing shows around town. That made me feel more like I belonged and it was like, this is pretty cool. For some reason, finding one person to connect with that I felt really knew me made all the difference. It’s just sort of built on from there.
So how do you feel sophomore year will compare with your freshman year?
Jack and his college friend Brandon
JACK: Second year is going to be way different. I already have friends and stuff. I’m going back to something I know instead of heading into something completely unknown. I already have a solidified system of living. Freshman year you get there and you have no one, nothing. The first year of college is just a game of waiting and perseverance. You can’t let yourself get to a point of “I’m tired of putting myself out there. I’m tired of being lonely.” Keep at it and it will work out.
The point is everyone is in the position that “Damn, college is not like I thought it would be. I’m actually on my own and I have to find ways of occupying my time that aren’t depressing.” You really have to think of yourself as an invincible squid, putting your tentacles out into different parts of the ocean and if you don’t like that part, you just pull your tentacle back. If you find some waters that are the right temperature, you leave a tentacle there and maybe move more toward that way. But the point is, eventually that squid will find some waters that are just right.
What did you learn about yourself through this last year?
JACK: That I can make a bad day into a good day and that I can be happy even in bad circumstances. I knew that intellectually before, but this past year, I really proved that to myself because I didn’t have a choice. I just did it. There were quite a few bad days, but I really learned to look for the good parts of even a bad day. I also learned firsthand that if you persevere, better days are coming. I’m also just really glad I stuck it out. Based on how I felt in October, November, all the way through even early February, I never would have guessed that by the end of March and into the end of second semester, I’d be in as great a position as I am now. I actually said when leaving for the summer that it was bittersweet, because I was excited to come home for the summer, but I was really going to miss Memphis and I was really going to miss all my friends. It took a while, but everything worked out. And I know that next year, it’s going to be even better.
What did you learn about others this year?
Be open to meeting and getting to know many different types of people at college. First impressions can be deceiving.
JACK: I learned not to be fooled by my first impression of someone, to give people a second chance. You have different types of friends and different circles of friends. College is about putting yourself into as many different circles as possible and finding the ones that you fit into.
Overall, I ended the year with a good number of acquaintances I really like, and two really close friends. They’re the people that I can call anytime and really be myself with.
If you only go looking for one type of person, you’re closing the door to a lot of really good types of people. I would not be looking for any specific type of person when I get there. Don’t automatically count somebody out because you put them in a certain group.
There have been people that when I met them I thought this dude’s a complete dork, but then when I got to know them I realized, “Damn, this person’s cool.” Or you might meet someone who comes off as anti-social, but then you find out they’re in a ton of clubs. You just don’t know. Getting to know someone takes time.
So was it worth it, all that pain, to be where you are now?
JACK: Yes, it was all worth it. I’m glad I stuck it out. And I feel like I really “grew up” in the process. So I guess I’d call it a really successful first year of college.
Another school year is winding down. Freshmen, sophomores and juniors, here’s what you need to do this summer and next school year to put your best foot forward for college. In this article, we’ll use the term “rising” to indicate the year of school you’ll be going into in the fall of 2018. For instance, “rising sophomores” are those students who will enter their sophomore year of high school in the fall of 2018.
Rising Sophomores Focus on Solid Academic & Extracurricular Performance
As a rising sophomore, your top three college planning priorities in order should be:
Curriculum planning and academic performance: On the list of Top 5 Things Colleges Look For, #1 is “A rigorous high-school curriculum that challenges the student and may include AP or IB classes.” (GPA is a close second, at#2 on the list.) Check out the full list here. Many high school students forget that when you apply to college, the GPA you’ll submit is based on three years of high school curriculum and grades – not four. Freshman, sophomore (and of course, junior) years are critical years for demonstrating your ability to perform well in challenging classes. For your sophomore year, consider AP courses and push yourself academically. Solid study habits are key. If freshman year went well, great! Keep pushing. If you have ground to make up, now is the time to establish better study habits and improve your academic performance. OnCampus College Planning offers a Better Student Program for this very purpose.
Deep (versus Broad) High School Involvement: The age-old myth that “colleges are looking for well-rounded students” is false. Colleges aim to create well-rounded freshman classes, a diverse body of individuals who represent unique talents and interests. Focus on 2-3 activities that truly interest you and dig in deep. It’s much better to demonstrate full engagement, leadership or involvement in a few things, than it is to have your name on 10 different membership lists with nominal involvement in each. I work with students who are genuinely interested in 10 different things and WANT to be deeply involved in all of them. That’s fine. But ease up if you’re signing up at the expense of academic focus (and your own sanity). Pick your thing(s). YOU DO YOU. And do it well.
Campus Visits to get a feel of what “College” is like. Visit college campuses long before you have any idea what you want to major in or where you want to go to college. Getting on campus early on gives you an idea of what College is like and shows you how one college is similar to or differs from another. Take a day to visit a college campus near you, for the official tour or just to walk around. At this point, it doesn’t matter which college you visit, since you’re not picking schools yet. Tack campus visits on to family vacations. Tag along on an older sibling’s, cousin’s or friend’s college tour. Getting the lay of the college land long before you’re ready to choose colleges gives you a familiarity about College in general that will serve you well when you’re actually choosing what’s important to you and selecting colleges you want to explore.
Rising Juniors Get Ready For Your Heavy Lifting Year for College Prep
I call your junior year of high school the “heavy lifting year” of your high school career in terms of college prep. This is typically a challenging academic year. It’s also when you’ll tackle the ACT (or SAT) and begin thinking about which colleges you want to put in your shopping cart.
As a rising junior, your top three college planning priorities should be:
Prep for the ACT: While public high school students in Wisconsin will take the ACT in February of junior year, I encourage students NOT to have this be your first attempt. My recommendation is that by holiday break of your junior year, you’ve taken your first official ACT exam. If you earn the score you want by then, great! If not, you can use the state-mandated February ACT date to improve upon your score. Many of the students I work with choose to spend summer before junior year prepping for their first ACT in July, September, October or December. Summer’s great, since you don’t have school activities and school competing for your time. At a minimum, rising juniors should take a baseline practice ACT this summer. Schedule yours FREE anytime by giving me a call and scheduling your baseline practice exam at my office.
Prepare for your College Search: Another service I typically provide for students who are entering or in their junior year of high school is College Search. This helps students systematically identify what they want, need, don’t want and don’t need in a college. It helps students with self-discovery, in order to then identify which colleges fit their unique definition of their Best Fit Colleges (their “University of You”, as I call it). While some students wait until the start of senior year, I find that starting much earlier makes the process more enjoyable and effective, and helps students sharpen their focus while they can still impact the last two years of their high school career in terms of academics and extracurriculars. It’s also helpful to make progress on your college search in tandem with ACT or SAT prep, so you know what the colleges you’re interested in require. Then you can know what you’re shooting for in terms of test scores for acceptance and merit aid.
Understand “College Applications Math” and recommit yourself to academics. As you enter your junior year, it’s critical to remember the “math” realities of college applications. You are now 2/3 DONE with the GPA you’ll submit for college applications — not 1/2 done. Because you apply the fall of your senior year, colleges you apply to will actually be looking at three years of high school classes and grades – not 4. Junior year is critical for maintaining (or improving) your academic record. And chances are, your classes will be more challenging your junior year than they were your freshman or sophomore year.
Rising Seniors It’s All about College Applications Prep
If you are wrapping up your junior year, consider this: Twelve months from today, you will have decided where you’re going to college and will probably have mailed your high school graduation invites already! Set time aside this summer to put yourself in a good position for stress-free college applications this fall. As a rising senior, your college prep priorities this summer should be:
Figure out which colleges you might want to put in your shopping cart. Mostly I work with juniors on College Search. But frequently, students entering their senior year need assistance with the College Search process. If this is you, great! Give me a call and let’s schedule time to define your University of You criteria, those things you want, need, don’t want and don’t need in the ideal college experience. I can then guide you on compiling a list of colleges to research and/or visit. Summer is the ideal time to devote time and energy to shopping for colleges, while your schedule’s a little less hectic and you aren’t feeling pressed for time.
Prep for college applications this fall. Summer is ideal for developing college essays, lining up your sources for recommendations and outlining your timeline for college applications. Essay development coaching is available from OnCampus College Planning if you want to sharpen your skills and get some guidance developing compelling college essays.
Shore up your ACT (or SAT) score. You may already have earned the ACT score you want and have checked this off your list. If so, congratulations! If you’ve not yet earned the ACT score you’re happy with, there’s still time. This year for the first time ever, the ACT will be offered in July. You can also choose from test dates in June, September and October, in time for fall college applications. Set a date, register for the exam. And let me know if I can help with ACT prep this summer.
Whether you’re a rising sophomore, junior or senior, knowing what your college prep priorities are will hopefully help you focus on what you can do this summer to put your best foot forward. If you’d like to talk more or have specific questions, schedule a free consult with OnCampus College Planning anytime.
I won’t keep you in suspense. The answer is no. The truth is, the ACT and SAT aren’t going anywhere. They will continue to be critical metrics for colleges when evaluating prospective students.
If all you wanted was the short answer to a yes-no question, there you have it. I just saved you seven minutes of reading. However, read on if you don’t believe me, or to gain a better understanding of why standardized tests will continue to be important for college admissions and the impact of some schools becoming “test optional” or “test flexible”.
Why the ACT Is Still An Important Part of College Admissions
From time to time, a parent or student will ask me why colleges use standardized tests as part of the college admissions process. Or I get an email from a parent asking about a news article they saw about another school going test optional. Understandably, they wonder if this signifies a trend.
Over time, will the ACT and SAT go by the wayside? No. The reason is purely mathematical. The number of college applications is on the rise. Generally speaking, more students are applying to more colleges than ever before. Admissions offices are deluged by applications. Having numeric, standardized measures of evaluating students is necessary from a practical standpoint.
Class rank and GPA are numeric factors, but High School A may be vastly more challenging than High School B in another city and state. And Student 1 may have taken significantly more challenging classes to earn her 3.6 than Student 2 did to earn his 3.8. Weighted versus unweighted GPAs — used by some (but not all) high schools – adds additional complexity.
The ACT and SAT are standard nationwide. Every student everywhere takes the exact same test, creating a handy standard metric that level-sets the view of prospective incoming students. Is it the only factor a college uses in determining acceptance? No, it’s not even the most important. It’s #3 after GPA and a rigorous course curriculum. But it is important. Even at “test optional” and “test flexible” schools, as we’ll see next.
So, What About Test Optional Schools?
Over the past 10 years, more schools have become test optional, and even more have become “test flexible” (meaning they’ll accept standardized test scores other than the ACT or SAT). View a complete list of the test optional schools online. But some context is needed to understand why schools go test optional and what it means for you as a college applicant who wants to earn acceptance and hopefully some merit aid along the way.
With nearly a decade’s worth of experience in college planning and having immersed myself in the world of college admissions, there are a few different groups of types of schools that emerge as I look through the list of test optional schools.
A good number of schools on the list are those that specialize in art, fine arts or design. Art institutes, music colleges, conservatories, the Julliards of the world, don’t place significant emphasis on the ACT and SAT in determining which students they’ll accept. Understandably, if you want to be an artist, dancer, musician or composer, your portfolio and talent is a much better predictor of how you’ll fare than your ACT/SAT score. This just makes sense, and it’s not a recent trend.
Another type of school on the list is national private liberal arts colleges, like Bowdoin (ME), Colby (ME), Smith (MA), Bryn Mawr (PA), Cornell (IA), Lawrence (WI) and Beloit (WI). Many of these schools are highly selective and very well-regarded. They also tend to have substantial endowments to help first-generation, low-income and students of color gain access to quality education. In an effort to encourage those students to apply, they’ve become “test optional” or “test flexible”. (A number of national universities have become test optional or test flexible for the same reason.) But some would argue that the test optional strategy has not achieved the desired result of making these schools more diverse. In fact, it’s had some unfortunate unintended consequences.
Another large group of schools on the list of test flexible/test optional schools are regional universities, those schools that tend to primarily draw students from nearby, within their region. Generally, these schools tend not to be highly selective. Becoming test optional may help them woo students from a broader geographic area, and perhaps woo more students in general. But even more alluring is their propensity to offer generous merit aid to those who meet certain criteria, including those with higher ACT/SAT scores.
It’s also important to note that even though a school is test optional or test flexible, many students who apply to these schools still submit ACT/SAT scores. Those that don’t invite closer scrutiny on their other “stats”. In other words, if I don’t have your ACT/SAT score to consider, I’ll pay much closer attention to your GPA, course rigor and your essay. So those all better be in good shape.
On the list of test optional/flexible schools are a number of schools that I like a lot and tend to refer to often when working with students on choosing a college. For example, the University of Mississippi (Ole Miss) and the University of Nebraska at Lincoln. However, these two schools are on my short list in large part because they’re super solid schools that offer incredibly competitive out-of-state merit aid to those with solid GPAs AND good ACT/SAT scores.
Bottom line, no matter where you’re going to college, it’s hard to deny the fact that earning the best possible ACT/SAT score you possibly can will put you in a better position not only for acceptance, but to earn some merit aid that makes college more affordable.
What does “test flexible” mean?
A number of schools on the list are actually test flexible versus test optional. They’ll accept other forms of standardized scores, provided certain conditions are met. For instance, here’s one such quote, “Test Flexible: SAT/ACT not required if other college level exams specified by school, such as SAT Subject Test, Advanced Placement, or Int’l Baccalaureate, submitted — contact school for details.” Here’s another one from a “test flexible” school on the list, “SAT/ACT may be required but considered only when minimum GPA and/or class rank is not met. SAT/ACT required for some programs.” In other words, numbers still matter. Some test flexible schools only require SAT/ACT scores for out-of-state applicants, or only for certain programs or fields of study. But their appearance on the list is not at all an indication that ACT/SAT scores have no place in their consideration of incoming students.
ACT/SAT Impact on Merit Aid
Even if a school is test optional and you’re accepted, merit aid is nearly always dependent upon ACT/SAT scores. The higher your score, the higher the likelihood that you’ll earn merit aid. Many of the students I work with for ACT Test Prep are as concerned about improving their chances for merit aid at their chosen schools as they are about earning acceptance to those schools.
At The End of the Day, The Best Strategy For Both Acceptance and Merit Aid is to Earn the Best ACT Score You Possibly Can.
If you have a stellar GPA and you rank in the top of your graduating class, but you bombed the ACT/SAT, restricting your college search to test optional schools probably isn’t the silver bullet strategy you’d hoped for. But should you choose to go that route, here is your shopping list of schools.
For the rest of you, I still advocate strongly for doing everything you possibly can to earn your highest possible ACT score.
And for those of you for whom this isn’t achievable, there are still many solid college options out there that will provide a great education and a solid next step toward a bright future. As much as a huge chunk of my job is about ACT Test Prep, my underlying mission and purpose is to help each and every student find their best college fit, their University of You. If you’re looking for guidance on college planning, schedule a free consult and let’s talk college.
In many ways the European college experience is miles away from college in America. And frankly, we could stand to learn a few things from how they do things across the pond.
Nadia, Lucas Fatoussi and Tom Kleese during Lucas’ recent visit
Tom recently had the privilege of visiting with Lucas Fatoussi, a former student from when he was a professor at University of Wisconsin-Richland. This is one of our longer blog posts, but I encourage you to take the time to read it for a refreshing, firsthand perspective on how colleges in Europe differ from what we’re used to here.
Lucas was part of a very unique and special program. Each year, about 25 international students would study at UW-Richland. Like his peers, Lucas had completed high school. He was taking the year to study at an American college before returning home for post-secondary education in Switzerland. Lucas didn’t need the classes he took at UW-Richland for college credit. He took them for the pure love of learning and to experience what American college life was like.
After his year at UW-Richland, Lucas returned to Switzerland to study engineering at EPFL or Ecole Polytechnique Fédérale de Lausanne, an engineering school that’s consistently top-ranked by many of the leading global ranking organizations. Click here for a very cool virtual campus tour.
Tom said, “Lucas always had a genuine thirst for learning. He was there to experience new things and soak up American culture. To him it was worth the time, effort and cost to delay the start of his formal college education in exchange for a broadened perspective and new experiences in another country.”
Tom and Lucas spent time talking about Tom’s college planning business. Lucas marveled at some of the striking contrasts between American views on college versus European perspectives.
I followed up with Lucas to gain additional insights on how college in America compares with his European experience.
One of the most striking areas of contrast was how much where you attend college is tied to your identity here versus in Europe. Lucas noted Tom’s college sweatshirt, (his daily attire), and said that you’d never see that in Switzerland.
Lucas said, “There is certainly pride about your alma mater in Switzerland, but it just cannot compare with how you guys feel about college. When I did my year abroad in Wisconsin, I was absolutely amazed at the intensity around universities, and collegial sport. Even in my small, two-year college at UW-Richland, half the students attended the school’s volleyball game, and everyone was very proud of our colors and mascot (the world-famous Richland Center Roadrunner!).
“We don’t do that here, although it has an enormous appeal. The Wisconsin football game I attended was one of my all-time favorite sports experiences, but it can sometimes feel a bit silly (I mean why would a 300-student university even need a mascot??). For Americans, your alma mater really defines a part of you, doesn’t it? With the exception of Great Britain which I think is similar to the US, we do not identify as much as you do with the institution we attended. For example, I studied in one of the top-50 engineering schools in the world, but I would never, EVER wear a t-shirt with the logo of my school on it. It would be very strange of me to do so (even though I still wear regularly my Badger gear). And in Continental Europe, you won’t find people displaying their alma mater or the college that happens to be in their local community on their Christmas tree or on their cars.
“This has to do with the fact that there are little or no college sports in Europe. I think people are very proud of where they studied, but they wear it as a badge of honor, not as a part of their identity. I am, for example, much more proud of being a physicist than where I studied. The downside of this is that it is less “fun” to attend the universities. But the upside is that people are really focused on what they are studying. I don’t think that going to 6 or 10 football games in an extremely nice atmosphere is enough to make a decision on where to go, I think what you study and the quality of the education should be the reason you choose a college.”
(We couldn’t agree more, Lucas!)
I also asked Lucas about workload comparison in American universities versus what he’s used to in Switzerland.
He said, “It is hard for me to compare, because in the USA, it was more about learning English and making friends. I knew that I could not validate the credit I was taking. But I will say that my first year at university back in Switzerland was hardcore. I had more than 30 hours of classes and had to work almost as much each week on homework outside of class. The university where I studied is investing to allow students to have access to a variety of extra-curricular activities, but also made very clear to us that studying should come first.”
Lucas also commented on the college selection and admissions process in Switzerland, “With a high-school diploma I was able to enter my school without any kind of standardized tests or other exams. I studied science in high school, but I could have entered college in Physics even if I had studied Latin or Spanish. In Switzerland, access to the best university is “easy”, but then the selection and “weeding out” happens during the first year. The educational system is quite different in Switzerland. Not everybody goes to high school. A lot of people take another path early on, an apprenticeship to learn the craft of a particular job. There are also other schools in between. It’s quite complex.
“The first year of university here is usually very difficult, and you can only try two times and then you get kicked out. There is also a rule that says that no matter what you study, if it is at the university level, if you fail three times, you’re out. You cannot enter any other universities. (Again, it is a bit more complex than this, because you have universities, but then you also have other type of “college-level” education, which can be a bit easier to complete). It is not uncommon, for example, to have med students failing (it is by far one of the hardest selections here). They then go to other countries if they want to pursue a med school degree.
“For my degree, the first two years were very challenging, and then, they kind of let you off the hook a bit. You still have to produce work, but the success rate each year is much higher at that point. I remember thinking that my masters degree was much more easily obtained than my bachelor’s degree. I think it has to do with the fact that you get used to work, but also with the fact that it does not bode well for the institution and its international ranking if there are a lot of students failing their master’s degree.”
I asked Lucas about typical living arrangements for college students. He remarked that this is very different as well, “Dorms are not standard over here (at least in Switzerland). There is no ‘campus’ per say. I lived downtown in the city of Lausanne where I studied, in apartments that were not specifically “student apartments”. In a way, it is a bit sad, because I remember how nice it was in the dorms when I studied in Wisconsin. The atmosphere was great, and I’m sure that the campuses of big universities must be extremely fun places. On the other hand, living in the city as a college student, in and amongst people working and doing many other things besides college prevented me from being too disconnected with “reality”. And I still found plenty of student parties to go to, so that really wasn’t an issue!”
Lucas also commented on student-professor relations, “Well while TK (Tom Kleese) was one of the best teachers I had, it mainly has to do with the fact that he was awesome, not particularly because of a different system. I think the relationship can be pretty similar in Europe and in the US. I think the student-prof relation has way more to do with the size of the class. We were 20 per class in Richland Center, but more than 200 where I studied in Lausanne. It is way harder for the teacher to have a real relationship with students in that case. When I was in my master’s degree, classes were smaller, and there was a bit more of a relationship.”
In Switzerland, teaching is a very small part of a professor’s responsibilities. Academic research occupies the vast majority of their time, and they are more likely to get hired based on their academic research than on their pedagogy.” (This sounds similar to large research universities in the US).
A huge difference in European colleges versus American colleges is cost.
Lucas said, “In Switzerland, and in most of the European countries, education is free, or almost free. My family paid 500 swiss francs (roughly $500) per semester. And that was it. We have top-notch universities and it costs us next to nothing, except for the cost of living which can be expensive.
This anecdote will show you how Europeans feel about college costs and the huge divide between American and Europe. I was reading an interview of the president of my university on the subject of tuition increasing in cost. He proposed to pass it from 500 Swiss francs per semester to 2000 for foreigners. This created a huge scandal in student communities here. And after that the media talked quite a bit about this. Everyone was ranting about the fact that school must be free, and that 2000 swiss francs (~$2000) per semester was way too much. The president then explained that they are forced to raise the tuition to be more attractive to (non-European) foreigners. Because when the foreigners see that it only cost 500.- to register in our school, they all think that the school must be of low quality and they therefore go study elsewhere. Isn’t that amazing? I think this connection between being expensive and being a quality school is really sad, and it should not be this way. I’m very proud to be from a country that understands the value of education and invests heavily in it. I know that this “socialist” system is not really how you guys do things, but I deeply think that this subsidized system is a good one. It might cost a lot, and money is sometimes spent on students that prefer to drink beer all day long, but it also allows anyone who really wants to study to get a very good degree without having to pay for it the next 10 or 20 years of their life or trying to get very rare scholarships.”
I found my conversation with Lucas fascinating, and my key takeaway is that the US could benefit from taking a few lessons from European colleges. At a minimum, it’s refreshing to consider the fact that college doesn’t have to be the way we think of it here in America in order to produce amazing, educated, qualified adults who contribute significantly to their communities and the careers within them.
Timing for taking your first ACT exam is a common topic of concern among high school students and parents.
In Wisconsin, there is a state-mandated ACT Exam for all public high school juniors typically late-February of their junior year. For 2018, this date is February 27. For many juniors, this will be their first time taking the ACT Exam (although I don’t recommend that – see below). The state-mandated ACT exam is just like all the other dates. The test is the same. The scores count just the same. BUT the late-February timing is not ideal for college planning purposes. This test date should be used as your second attempt– not your first.
Prepare for and take your first ACT exam before holiday break of your junior year. Notice I said “first ACT”. More and more students are taking the ACT Exam more than once to earn a score that best reflects their true academic abilities and puts them in the best possible position for college acceptance and merit aid at their top-choice schools. The world is very different today than it was a few decades ago when I went to college. We were all one-and-done kids.
What if taking the ACT test before the holidays won’t work for your junior?
There are always exceptions. And it’s all going to be okay. Some students opt to take their first ACT test later. Some take their first ACT as early as late spring of their sophomore year or the summer before their junior year, depending upon preference, course load, as well as other scheduled activities like sports. If at all possible, though, plan to take your first ACT exam before holiday break of your junior year. Here’s why.
For the state-mandated ACT Test date in late-February, it takes much longer to get your score back. The schools quote 6-8 weeks. But in my experience, most students get them back in about a month. For all other test dates, ACT releases scores 10 days after the test. Not all scores come out in 10 days, but about half do. They release the rest in batches, usually a couple of days apart. Nearly all students will have their scores back within 14 days of the test date, alleviating stress and facilitating the next step in college planning.
For juniors who wait to take the state-mandated late-Feb ACT and don’t get scores back until the end of April or beginning of May, it puts you in a tight spot to register for and prepare for the April or June test dates.
When can I plan to be “done” with the ACT?
My goal for students I work with is that by the last day of their junior year, they’re 100% done with the ACT test, have a score they’re happy with, and can check that box off the list. Whew! That leaves the summer before your senior year to focus your attention on College Search, continuing campus visits and looking forward to the fall of your senior year when you’ll be focused on college applications.
If you can avoid it, you don’t want to be in a position where you’re still trying to earn the score you want as you head into your senior year. Summer’s my busiest time of the year. I’m primarily working with two types of students in terms of test prep: rising juniors who want to get a jump on things, and 2) rising seniors who wish they weren’t still prepping for an ACT test. If I were to poll rising seniors I’ve worked with this summer, 100% of them would echo my recommendation to start early, so that you can be done early.
How do I sign up for the ACT?
You do NOT need the school’s assistance or prompting to sign up for and take the ACT Exam, nor should you wait for the school’s lead. At any time, you can simply go to the ACT website and look for “Registration” and follow the instructions online to register for the ACT. Registration deadlines are about five weeks prior to the exam date. For example, the deadline to register for the October 28 exam is September 22. The deadline to register for the December 9 exam is November 3. For every single ACT test date, there will be a location near you where the test is being administered.
How do I get help with prepping for the ACT?
Most of my clients start with a Free Consult where we sit down and get your key questions answered about ACT Test Prep, as well as College Search, timelines for college applications, what to focus on and when and even help with filling out the FAFSA. It’s free. It’s an hour. It’s face-to-face at my office. It involves the student, parent(s) and me. So let’s talk college.
Whatever is going on in Jack’s life (or Joe’s life), good or bad, is exactly where he’s supposed to be right now, for some reason I may not understand. I’ve had to remind myself to take the long view. Today’s heartache or disappointment may be tomorrow’s averted disaster. Today’s failure may be tomorrow’s changed path. Practicing this for my kids is HARD. But God has given me the gift of a few instances where I have personally experienced this truth. Each time I do, it strengthens my resolve. Better yet, Jack and Joe are experiencing this truth for themselves in their own lives.
For me, the biggest challenge is knowing when to keep my distance and when it’s my duty as a parent to step in and advocate. I have zero advice to give on this topic, since I still get it wrong all the time (IE, the apology I still owe to that administrative assistant at the University of Memphis). But I’m making progress and learning each day. I now know that there are VERY FEW times once Jack moves out and heads to college when I should intervene. Consult and advise from a distance one adult to another, yes. Step in and take over, NOPE. I’ve tried it both ways, and I’m learning the hard way that letting Jack live his own life, stumbles and all, works better in the long run for both him and for me.
Another school year is winding down. Freshmen, sophomores and juniors, here’s what you need to do this summer and next school year to put your best foot forward for college. In this article, we’ll use the term “rising” to indicate the year of school you’ll be going into in the fall of 2018. For instance, “rising sophomores” are those students who will enter their sophomore year of high school in the fall of 2018.
Deep (versus Broad) High School Involvement: The age-old myth that “colleges are looking for well-rounded students” is false. Colleges aim to create well-rounded freshman classes, a diverse body of individuals who represent unique talents and interests. Focus on 2-3 activities that truly interest you and dig in deep. It’s much better to demonstrate full engagement, leadership or involvement in a few things, than it is to have your name on 10 different membership lists with nominal involvement in each. I work with students who are genuinely interested in 10 different things and WANT to be deeply involved in all of them. That’s fine. But ease up if you’re signing up at the expense of academic focus (and your own sanity). Pick your thing(s). YOU DO YOU. And do it well.
Prep for the ACT: While public high school students in Wisconsin will take the ACT in February of junior year, I encourage students NOT to have this be your first attempt. My recommendation is that by holiday break of your junior year, you’ve taken your first official ACT exam. If you earn the score you want by then, great! If not, you can use the state-mandated February ACT date to improve upon your score. Many of the students I work with choose to spend summer before junior year prepping for their first ACT in July, September, October or December. Summer’s great, since you don’t have school activities and school competing for your time. At a minimum, rising juniors should take a baseline practice ACT this summer. 
Figure out which colleges you might want to put in your shopping cart. Mostly I work with juniors on College Search. But frequently, students entering their senior year need assistance with the College Search process. If this is you, great! Give me a call and let’s 
Shore up your ACT (or SAT) score. You may already have earned the ACT score you want and have checked this off your list. If so, congratulations! If you’ve not yet earned the ACT score you’re happy with, there’s still time. This year for the first time ever, the ACT will be offered in July. You can also choose from test dates in June, September and October, in time for fall college applications. Set a date, register for the exam. And let me know if I can help with ACT prep this summer.
From time to time, a parent or student will ask me why colleges use standardized tests as part of the college admissions process. Or I get an email from a parent asking about a news article they saw about another school going test optional. Understandably, they wonder if this signifies a trend.
Over the past 10 years, more schools have become test optional, and even more have become “test flexible” (meaning they’ll accept standardized test scores other than the ACT or SAT). 
A number of schools on the list are actually test flexible versus test optional. They’ll accept other forms of standardized scores, provided certain conditions are met. For instance, here’s one such quote, “Test Flexible: SAT/ACT not required if other college level exams specified by school, such as SAT Subject Test, Advanced Placement, or Int’l Baccalaureate, submitted — contact school for details.” Here’s another one from a “test flexible” school on the list, “SAT/ACT may be required but considered only when minimum GPA and/or class rank is not met. SAT/ACT required for some programs.” In other words, numbers still matter. Some test flexible schools only require SAT/ACT scores for out-of-state applicants, or only for certain programs or fields of study. But their appearance on the list is not at all an indication that ACT/SAT scores have no place in their consideration of incoming students.
One of the most striking areas of contrast was how much where you attend college is tied to your identity here versus in Europe. Lucas noted Tom’s college sweatshirt, (his daily attire), and said that you’d never see that in Switzerland.
“We don’t do that here, although it has an enormous appeal. The Wisconsin football game I attended was one of my all-time favorite sports experiences, but it can sometimes feel a bit silly (I mean why would a 300-student university even need a mascot??). For Americans, your alma mater really defines a part of you, doesn’t it? With the exception of Great Britain which I think is similar to the US, we do not identify as much as you do with the institution we attended. For example, I studied in one of the top-50 engineering schools in the world, but I would never, EVER wear a t-shirt with the logo of my school on it. It would be very strange of me to do so (even though I still wear regularly my Badger gear). And in Continental Europe, you won’t find people displaying their alma mater or the college that happens to be in their local community on their Christmas tree or on their cars.
I also asked Lucas about workload comparison in American universities versus what he’s used to in Switzerland.
“The first year of university here is usually very difficult, and you can only try two times and then you get kicked out. There is also a rule that says that no matter what you study, if it is at the university level, if you fail three times, you’re out. You cannot enter any other universities. (Again, it is a bit more complex than this, because you have universities, but then you also have other type of “college-level” education, which can be a bit easier to complete). It is not uncommon, for example, to have med students failing (it is by far one of the hardest selections here). They then go to other countries if they want to pursue a med school degree.
Lucas also commented on student-professor relations, “Well while TK (Tom Kleese) was one of the best teachers I had, it mainly has to do with the fact that he was awesome, not particularly because of a different system. I think the relationship can be pretty similar in Europe and in the US. I think the student-prof relation has way more to do with the size of the class. We were 20 per class in Richland Center, but more than 200 where I studied in Lausanne. It is way harder for the teacher to have a real relationship with students in that case. When I was in my master’s degree, classes were smaller, and there was a bit more of a relationship.”
Timing for taking your first ACT exam is a common topic of concern among high school students and parents.
Prepare for and take your first ACT exam before holiday break of your junior year. Notice I said “first ACT”. More and more students are taking the ACT Exam more than once to earn a score that best reflects their true academic abilities and puts them in the best possible position for college acceptance and merit aid at their top-choice schools. The world is very different today than it was a few decades ago when I went to college. We were all one-and-done kids.
There are always exceptions. And it’s all going to be okay. Some students opt to take their first ACT test later. Some take their first ACT as early as late spring of their sophomore year or the summer before their junior year, depending upon preference, course load, as well as other scheduled activities like sports. If at all possible, though, plan to take your first ACT exam before holiday break of your junior year. Here’s why.
My goal for students I work with is that by the last day of their junior year, they’re 100% done with the ACT test, have a score they’re happy with, and can check that box off the list. Whew! That leaves the summer before your senior year to focus your attention on College Search, continuing campus visits and looking forward to the fall of your senior year when you’ll be focused on college applications.
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