Are you conducting your college search to find the right fit? Recently, US News and World Report ran an article by a reporter named Josh Moody with helpful insights on liberal arts colleges. Read the article here. Below, I offer my perspective on the article, liberal arts colleges and types of colleges in general when it comes to your college search and finding the right fit for you.
Moody’s article is honestly one of the best I’ve read regarding liberal arts colleges and what they are, because it doesn’t pit liberal arts colleges (LACs) against big, public research universities in an either/or format. People should think of different types of higher education institutions in terms of a spectrum of choices that offer varying advantages and trade-offs.
I love the quote in the article from Jill Tiefenthaler, president of Colorado College (a liberal arts college), “I strongly believe that a student can get a great education anywhere if they are focused and mature and willing to really put in the effort. In the end, what you get out of your education probably depends more on you than the school that you go to.” In other words, when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. Let’s never forget the individual responsibility of the student in ultimately determining the quality of their education and what they do with the knowledge they’ve earned once they graduate.
The liberal arts education versus vocational education debate has been hot for the last few years as college costs have gone up, because consumers want to know “Will I get a job? What’s the ROI?” Those are fair questions. Liberal arts colleges point to places like Epic Systems that hire smart kids no matter what the degree, and there’s a lot to be said for that. But if you want to be an engineer or nurse, you can’t do those jobs with a broad understanding of many different subjects. You need technical proficiency. So one type of college versus another isn’t categorically right or wrong. It’s just a better or worse fit based on what you want your college experience to do for you.
Where I believe LACs overplay their hand is by claiming that “we teach you how to THINK CRITICALLY instead of just getting a job.” Implication? You can’t gain those skills elsewhere. Come on. My brother-in-law is a mechanical engineer. Do you honestly think that his mechanical engineering courses at Iowa State University didn’t teach him to think critically?
Why all the defensiveness among institutions of higher education? “This vs. that” debates ignore the uniqueness of one student’s college decisions based on the single, most important college planning factor: To what ends is college a means FOR YOU? As I tell students during my College Search work with them, “Get your #1 thing firmly in your mind, your college non-negotiable, and hold all possibilities up to that lens to find your best fit.” In other words, ask yourself, “If I get nothing else from my college investment of time and money, what’s the one thing I must get out of this?” Answering this question will improve your college search and help you find the right fit more easily.
We have designed a University of You discovery process dedicated to helping students identify their number-one college search criteria, as well as gain clarity about what type of student they are, where their passions lie, what their goals are and where they’ll best thrive. Ultimately, we use our process to assist students and families with their college search and help them find the right fit. To learn more, schedule a free consult anytime to talk about College Search. In fact, we wrote a blog post recently on the topic of what college search help is and how to tell if you need it.
There’s a quote from the article that I love, “This is a process that really starts with self-reflection and self-discovery.” I wholeheartedly agree.
If you’re a high school sophomore or junior embarking on your college planning process, I’d love to talk with you about your college search and how we might be able to help you find your best fit. I invite you to schedule a free consultation to learn more about our College Search services.
Ever wonder who you’d meet on campus if dogs went to college? What would their college majors be? Their hobbies? Their quirks? Well, we thought this question deserved an answer. So we looked into it and met some interesting characters.
Usually we write blog posts about meaty topics that are critical to your college planning success. Not today. This one’s just for fun. Another ACT Test cycle is winding down, and we’re feeling a little punchy today. You’re welcome.
Dani
Major: Environmental Studies
Vegan to reduce her carbon footprint. Straws?? She. Can’t. Even. Studying abroad next semester in Denmark where they have a clue.
Devon
Major: English Literature
Plans to get his Masters out East where the real writers live. Writes poetry, ‘cuz girls dig it. Thinks about smoking a pipe.
Emily
Major: Horticulture
Works summers at her uncle’s organic farm in Vermont. Prefers plants to people. Disappointed succulents went mainstream.
Dylan
Major: Photography
Only shoots film. Had a Leica, but had to sell it to make rent. Have you seen his new website? Gave up the school newspaper gig. No true artistry to it.
Zoe
Major: Fashion Design
Considered FIT and Pratt, but Drexel’s closer to home. Sews her own clothes. Thinking of legally changing her name to Z, ‘cuz she insists you call her that anyway.
Toby
Major: Archaeology
Despises the food here. Requested a single dorm room, because he’s NOT a morning person. Wanted an internship in Israel, but Mom and Dad made him choose Arizona instead. Still bitter.
Thomas
Major: Journalism & Social Media Marketing
Doesn’t really need those glasses. Is fond of playing Devil’s Advocate in Media Theory class. Has 2500+ Twitter followers, but insists on reading the New York Times in print, as God intended it.
Theo
Major: Philosophy
40-something trapped in a 20-year-old body. Pet peeve is people who talk at Starbucks. Senior thesis is on Netflix and the decline of the young mind.
Kat
Major: Kinesiology
Chose CU Boulder. Cuz skiing. Wears scarves. Always. Thinking of changing majors. Who knew Kinesiology would require so much science?
Steve
Major: Microbiology
Close talker. Vice President of the “BC” (Bio Club) and they totally dominated regionals. Rarely showers. Still somehow found his ideal match on Tinder.
Steph
Major: Interior Design
ADORES Mad Men. Wishes she’d been born in 1960. Wears vintage anyway. Dating an advertising major who smokes Camels.
Scott
Major: Music Business
What’s with all these Gen Eds? Just wants to make beats. Starting to wonder if he could have just learned it all on YouTube. Kanye and Jay-Z did alright.
Phoebe
Major: Film & Video
Don’t even get her started on the new Star Wars. No longer in the Honors Program, because her Work comes first. Twitter @FilmNotFluff.
Frankie
Major: International Studies
Has a French accent, but he’s from Kansas. Lives in the International Student dorm again this year. Drinks espresso, never coffee. (His real name’s Dan.)
Mari
Major: Real Estate Development
Mari. With an I, thank you. Social Chair for her sorority. Knows everybody. Everybody. Doesn’t love college football, but never misses a tailgate.
Jason
Major: Poli Sci
Plays Ultimate like a boss. Eats mostly Pancheros. Him and Justin are totally movin’ to DC after graduation. His uncle is like in charge there and will totally set him up.
Trevor
Major: Undecided
He’s just working on himself right now. Senior year he’s gonna really turn it around. Life’s too short, man.
Nora
Major: Art History
Wishes people “got her”. Studying in Italy next semester. Sooo tired of you asking what she’s going to do with that major.
But seriously, folks…
If you actually have serious questions about your next step in your college planning journey, schedule your free consult today, and get those questions answered. We’re always happy to talk college.
Stop! Before you read this, check out our new Campus Visit Bullet Journal, which you can download, print and use for campus visits. Okay, now resume reading. You’ll find instructions below.
We’re HUGE believers in the power of campus visits for your college planning process. OnCampus College Planning founder and campus visit proponent Tom Kleese says, “Any college visit is better than no college visit.” He urges students and families to visit campuses near your home, while on spring break, on a daytrip to your favorite city, wherever and whenever you’re able. Start visiting campuses long before you’re thinking about where you might want to attend college. Why? Because whether or not that school makes it onto your list of schools you consider attending, every campus visit teaches you something about College in general. Campus visits help you compare and contrast campuses and types of schools. You will make more informed decisions about schools that interest you if you have visited a few college campuses before you begin your college planning process.
We’ve heard students say, “Once I am accepted, then I’ll go visit.” If at all possible, visit college campuses as part of building your list of potential colleges, versus waiting until you’ve applied (and long before you’ve decided where you’re going to school).
We help students and families make the most of campus visits. The campus visit is the single-most important aspect of researching colleges. College websites are great. Phone calls to the admissions office are fine. Reaching out via email to professors is good. But nothing compares to the insights you gain from getting on campus.
We wrote a comprehensive 23-page Ebook called the Campus Visit How-To Handbook. It’s awesome. It’s effective. It contains a two-page Campus Visit Capture Tool at the end. But it’s lengthy. And it’s a bit overwhelming. We wanted to come up with something briefer and simpler.
A friend recently introduced me to the “bullet journal”. At first, I thought she made it up. She’s wicked creative that way. But it’s actually a thing! Do a Pinterest search for “bullet journal” and you’ll be hit with a barrage of bullet journal templates, hipster fonts and Martha Stewart-esque watercolor marker drawings specially designed for your bullet journal. Sooooooo extra. But the idea is actually really simple. Take brief “bulleted” notes to capture what you want to remember.
Our goal is to inspire you to action. Visit college campuses. If you aren’t sure where to start and need help finding your list of colleges to visit, check out our College Search services.
Get the most out of each visit. Our Campus Visit Bullet Journal condenses the info in our jam-packed campus visit e-book into one page you can print out and use when visiting campuses.
Ask questions not only of admissions representatives and tour guides, but also students you see around campus, professors and even your server at the restaurant. Jot brief notes on your campus visit bullet journal.
Here are three magic questions to ask students you encounter:
Why did you choose College X? (NOTE: Always try to use the name of
the college when asking questions instead of a more generic “this college” or “this school”.)
Do you mind if I ask what other colleges you considered, and what tipped the scales in favor of this college?
If you had a magic wand, what one thing about this college would you change?
Ask about campus hotspots and hangouts.
You can simply ask, “What are some of the best places to hang out on campus as a student?” Jot these down. Then check them out. Whether it’s the student union or a local coffee shop or burger joint, you’ll get a feel for this school’s unique hotspots. And you’ll probably catch a glimpse of what a “typical student” looks and acts like. Do they seem like people you’d like to surround yourself with? This is insight you won’t get from a phone call or email, or even the college website.
Connect with professors and staff in your area of interest.
There’s a huge difference between taking the general campus tour and investing the energy to spend time with the key contacts in your specific field of study. Not sure what you want to study yet? No problem. Pick something you’re interested in (business, math, art, healthcare, writing). At least three weeks before your campus visit, call that department and speak with the administrative assistant or program coordinator. Explain that you’ll be visiting and you’d like to meet with someone in that department while you’re there. The administrative assistant or program coordinator should know who to put you in touch with. During your meeting, ask them what a typical freshman course load looks like for someone in that field of study. Ask what kinds of careers people typically pursue with a degree in that field. Ask them what criteria or attributes they find make a successful student in that field. Whether or not you choose to pursue that field of study matters less than the insights you’re adding to your arsenal.
Eat twice: once on campus and once off campus.
No Olive Garden, McDonalds or Buffalo Wild Wings allowed. You get plenty of that at home. Most campuses will provide you with a voucher to eat free in the campus cafeteria, which is another great opportunity to check out the student vibe on campus, as well as the food. For off-campus eating, pick a local eaterie from among the hangouts and hotspots for a chance to do the same. It won’t surprise some of you to learn that checking out new restaurants is one of Tom’s favorite parts of the campus visit.
Show me the money. Ask questions about cost and merit aid.
This topic gives you another list of questions to ask of your tour guide and admissions personnel, as well as students you meet. Ask the admissions rep who gives the opening presentation about their key criteria for earning merit aid, whether it’s GPA, ACT score or other criteria. Ask about the average cost of on-campus housing and apartment rental. Ask about the quality of public transportation in the area or whether most students have a car on campus. These factors impact your estimated Cost of Attendance, which is critical as you learn about the cost of attending college in general, and compare and contrast this school with others.
Capture your thoughts.
Shedule downtime during your campus visit. It’s a good idea to take a break and process your thoughts. If you’re staying overnight as part of your visit, this can be at your hotel at the end of the day. Or you can simply find some quiet time at the local campus library or student union, grab a cup of coffee and jot a few notes on your bullet journal page. What do you like about this school? What concerns you, or what do you find disappointing? You can be brutally honest, since your campus visit bullet journal is for your eyes only. No one is going to judge your answers. There’s no right or wrong. Be honest about what you want, need, don’t want and don’t need in a college experience. It’s unique to you, and it’s for your own benefit.
Commit to next steps and a timeline.
Typically when you finish a campus visit, you’ll have amazing new insights, plus more questions. If this school is one you’d like to know more about, capture your next steps and commit to a timeline for achieving them. Perhaps the program coordinator or professor you spoke with mentioned the name of someone else in the department that can answer your questions. Jot that down and reach out soon via email or phone. Perhaps you became curious while on the tour about a student club or organization your tour guide mentioned. Maybe you didn’t have time to get to all the great hotspots and hangouts you learned about, and you want to check out their websites. Maybe you want to check out the school’s full course catalog or the graduation requirements for your field of interest and need to make a note to do that once you get home.
Take action. Schedule your next campus visit.
Are you a high school freshman who’s focused on a strong start to high school with no clue as to whether you want to attend college or where? Are you a sophomore who’s trying to balance a busy academic semester and the demands of several extracurricular activities? Are you a junior who’s just beginning to think about college planning? Are you a senior overwhelmed with the college application process? No matter who you are, your next campus visit is closer than you think.
Your high school considers a college visit to be an excused absence, which indicates the educational value they place on visiting college campuses. We agree. Talk to your family. Then schedule a day and visit a college right in your city. Or take a day trip to a college in a nearby city. Going out of town for the holidays? Take time now to see what schools are nearby and schedule a campus visit while you’re there. Schedule your next campus visit and put this Campus Visit Bullet Journal to work for you soon.
This scene is from one of my favorite movies, Raising Arizona. The woman doing most of the talking is Dot, played by Frances McDormand. As a parent, each of us has had a conversation like this with a “well-meaning” friend. Our blood pressure skyrockets. Our stomach rolls. We feel like we’ve missed the instruction booklet that came with everybody else’s child. We panic. Or we feel generally inadequate as a parent. Is it just me? Can y’all relate? The struggle’s real, right?
Tom received a call recently from a parent who panicked when a friend told them they’d already missed the application deadline for their top-choice school. Tom reassured them that they’d NOT missed a deadline at all, and shared some factual, well-researched information to put their mind at ease. Sometimes what panics us isn’t even accurate. How’s that for a waste of time?
Another friend of mine relayed her recent panic when she shared with another parent that her senior student is feverishly working on college applications. “You mean he hasn’t turned them in yet?!” she was asked. Not helpful.
Detecting A Dot
How do you know if you’re dealing with a “Dot”? Dot’s comments often start with things like, “Aren’t you worried that…?”, “I’m surprised that you haven’t…”, “Didn’t you know that….?”, “What are you going to do if…?”, “Have you thought about the fact that…?” And, “Well that would never work in our house, because we never/always…”
Friends, why do we do this to one another? College planning (and parenting teens in general) brings ample opportunities for us to feel panic-stricken and less-than without “help” from anyone else. It’s a time full of uncertainty and overwhelming options. Sometimes it feels like one step to the right or left side of the tightrope could send us tumbling into the abyss.
So, Dot, I don’t need you reinforcing my own negative self-talk and anxious tendencies with judgment or superiority masquerading as “helpfulness”. I need someone to say, “No matter what, it’s all going to be okay in the end. And if it’s not okay yet, it’s not the end yet.” Or someone who’ll say, “Oh man, me, too.” Or someone who’ll tell me I’m doing a good job at this Mom thing, because some days I feel like I’m screwing up royally.
I’m about 4000% better at avoiding parental panic attacks now than I used to be. Practice helps. Being on child two versus child one helps. Having messed up and then realizing that we not only survived, but thrived anyway helps. Remembering that many children in the world today worry about what to eat, how to avoid abuse or where they’ll sleep tonight puts things in perspective real quick. Professional counseling helps. The unconditional love and company of real, authentic, hot-mess, imperfect, beautifully weird friends helps.
Dealing With Dots
People are going to say insensitive things, even when they’re trying to “help”. You cannot control other people, their actions or words. You can only control you, your actions and reactions.
Remember the THINK tool that someone came up with for thinking before you speak? It’s also helpful for processing what others say to us.
I can’t make others use the THINK tool. But I can filter what I say. And I can also consider the Truth, Helpfulness, Inspirational nature, Necessity and Kindness of what’s said to me. Then I can choose whether to absorb what’s said, or to let that comment sit right where it was dropped and move on, unencumbered. I don’t have to pick up everything you put down. I’m in control of my own reactions and responses.
Practicing this is easier when I remember to stay in own my lane, walk the path that my family has decided is best for us, ignore what’s happening to the right and left of me and remember that it’s all going to be okay in the end, not only despite the pitfalls and detours, but often because of them. This is our story. It wouldn’t be all that interesting if there weren’t a few plot twists and surprises, even if they’re unpleasant or downright painful at the time.
Ditching The Dots
Sometimes you can avoid Dots altogether or limit your encounters with them. Remember when you told your kids to, “Just go play with someone else”? Sometimes the advice we give our kids is advice we should follow ourselves.
I’ve gotten more in tune with how I feel after spending time with people who fill my bucket, and I make a mental note to spend more time in their company. At the same time, I’ve gotten better at limiting or eliminating the time I spend with people who kick my bucket over and then shoot it full of holes, so it can’t be filled again. Life’s too short, friends.
I’ve found a glorious tribe of weirdos who accept me as their own. They’re not perfect, thank goodness. They screw up all the time, God love ’em. They fail to read the same emails and notes that I fail to read. Their desk is as overflowing as mine with unsigned permission slips, overdue library fine notices and to-do lists full of unchecked boxes. We each have our own assigned seat at the principal’s office. They fall down and then they get back up again, and they keep running. They stay in their lane, and they cheer me on in running my own race. They don’t know it all, and they don’t pretend to. And when I walk away from time spent with them, my bucket is full and I think perhaps, just maybe, I might not be so abnormal or deficient after all. And even if I am, so what? I am loved. And I am okay.
So THINK before you speak. THINK before you respond or react. And don’t be a Dot.
On the east and west coasts, many college-bound families hire a professional college planner for college search help. In fact, the question isn’t really, “Are you working with someone?” It’s “Who are you working with?” In recent years, more Madison-area families are enlisting the help of a professional college planner to guide their college search process. Read on to learn why, what the benefits of college search help are, and to decide if professional College Search help is right for you and your family.
Why People Hire Us for College Search Help
Bottom line? I have a job and a mission in life because navigating the transition from high school to college is complex and expensive. Most people want it to be more affordable and simpler. I help with both.
I thrive on helping students and families go from overwhelmed, fearful and frazzled, to being in total command of the college process, able to make confident, well-researched, well-planned college decisions. I thrive on helping families find hidden gems and high-value colleges that reward students financially for their achievements, and are the ideal college “soulmate” for their unique set of wants and needs.
College is an investment of six figures and four (or more) years of your life. When was the last time you made a six-figure, multi-year decision without professional guidance?
I know some will disagree. That’s okay. How many times have you heard a fellow parent or grandparent harrumph and say something like, “Back in my day, you just took the ACT once with no prep, got whatever score you got and went to the college closest to you. Nobody worried about ‘getting in’. There weren’t all these fancy schmancy professionals and prep and hullabaloo about going to college.”
I can’t argue with that. It matches my own experience as a college-bound student. But that was three decades ago. Times HAVE CHANGED. A well-planned, well-researched College Search process can dramatically improve your chances of finding that right-fit school that will reward you financially and experientially for your achievements. You’ll be making well-researched, well-informed decisions based on a clear understanding of what you Need/Want/Don’t Need/Don’t Want in the ideal college experience. You’ll be able to clearly identify your “University of You”: your college version of a “soulmate”.
When To Get Started With College Search Help
We work mostly with JUNIORS on College Search starting either in the fall or spring of junior year, as they’re getting serious about what they want to do and where they might like to go to college.
We’ve also seen students benefit greatly from going through our College Search process during SOPHOMORE year, when there’s still time to make choices about high-school courses and make a meaningful impact on academic performance. Sometimes finding a school you really like that has rigorous academic standards can be a powerful motivator. This was true in our own family, actually.
We also work with some SENIORS on College Search in the fall of senior year, especially if the impending pressure of college applications feels overwhelming and you need help getting clear on your main decision drivers. In this case, the same amount of College Search work needs to get done, but in a compressed time period.
The Main Benefits of Getting College Search Help
Here’s what we’ve heard from families who’ve enlisted our College Search help:
“It helped make things clear.” Students say our Discovery Process helped them gain clarity on who they are as a student and what they want/need/don’t want/don’t need in their “ideal college experience”.
“I understand myself better now.” What better time to go through a guided self-discovery process than when you’re about to head to college? Parents tell us that they’ve observed their student developing a better understanding of themselves in general, which is helpful not only for college decisions, but also becoming a clear-headed, independent adult.
“The process forced me to ask important questions I wouldn’t have considered otherwise.” After nearly a decade of working with students and families on college planning, we’ve learned some of the most critical questions to consider, and we include them in our Discovery Process.
“We learned about great schools we didn’t know existed.” There are thousands of schools all over the country. You can’t be expected to be an expert on all of them. That’s our job. We’ll uncover the golden nugget you didn’t even know was there to be found.
“College conversations at home have gotten way less tense.” That alone might be worth the price of admission. Introducing a neutral third party who doesn’t share your last name into the discussion, who also happens to do this for a living can decrease drama and tension at home.
“It busted some myths we had about the cost of college.” As we build your list, we talk about the cost of college and focus on merit aid opportunities that could make college more affordable.
If any of the above benefits sound appealing to you, chances are, you could benefit from enlisting professional guidance for College Search help. We’d love to talk more about how we could help. Schedule a free, one-hour consultation. This is where student and parents can sit down with us at our office and ask your most pressing questions and get real answers. We’ll share more about what we do and how we do it.
Jack shared his freshman year of college realities. You can read it here. Now it’s my turn. Overall, this post is less a chronology than it is some truths I’m learning to apply as the parent of a now-adult son. That said, we’ll start with Jack’s freshman year in a nutshell for the sake of context. The following “CliffsNotes” summarize the year in a few short paragraphs. Then, I’ll share a few key takeaways which I’m working really hard to practice.
Freshman Year of College Realities: CliffsNotes
Here goes…
Move-In Day full of promise and rainbows, followed by first two weeks of pink cloud optimism and naivete. Roommate is awesome, and they’ll be best friends. Scratch that. Major roommate issues followed by roommate moving out abruptly by mid-October, leaving half his stuff there for the rest of the semester. Lonely first semester full of fits and false starts to get plugged in. Acquaintances all around, but few real friends. Boy meets girl. Girl leaves. No biggie. Boy meets another girl. Girl leaves. Boy heartbroken for 6.5 hours.
Classes are harder than anticipated, or at least it’s a struggle to manage time and work load with newfound lack of structure in a day. One class dropped to avoid failing and crappy GPA. Frantic calls home. Nothing is right with the world. Late night conversations followed by sleepless nights by Mom. Call by bleary-eyed, stressed-out Mom to Boy next day reveals Boy slept just fine. “What are you so worried about, Mom?” Boy asks. “Everything is right with the world!” Mom slaps forehead. Boy says he’s out of money. Mom says, “Okay I’ll send you money.” Dad says, “Nope. Get a job.” Boy gets job. Job is great. Job sucks. Boy loses job. Boy decides to do without job and instead focus on school. College red tape and bureaucracy often makes Boy and Mom pull their hair out in fistfuls. Mom loses her sh*t with one of the school’s unassuming administrative assistants over the phone. Mom feels bad and thinks about calling back to apologize, but doesn’t. Mom realizes she is now “that Mom” even though she said she NEVER-NO-NOT-EVER would be. Vows to do better next time.
Boy comes home for winter break. Pink clouds, twinkly lights and holiday rainbows last for one week, followed by a mix of storm clouds and 60% chance of major frustration with a cool front of distant and irritable moving in from the west. By week four of winter break, everybody is looking forward to semester two. Semester two is better, but not great for the first two months. A few acquaintances become true friends. Another class is dropped. GPA and study habits begin to stabilize. Boy loves school today. No wait, Boy hates school. It’s getting better. No it’s not. Yes it is. No it’s not. By mid-March, college life is “pretty decent” for the most part. And that’s about all we can ask for on any given day. Over time, Boy demonstrates amazing resilience and maturity, gains skills in money management, study skills, living on the cheap and making friends. When frantic late-night phone call comes, Mom learns to say, “That must be hard. What are you going to do about that?” Instead of “I’ll fix it.” Mom learns to ask, “What are three good things that happened this week?” versus “How was your week?” Mom goes back to sleep and sleeps soundly, for tonight. End of Chapter 1. To be continued, ad nauseum.
Got all that? Or at least the jist? Good, so here’s what I think I learned…
FOMO for Parents: The Struggle is Real
Socially-induced performance pressure and social media doesn’t just plague our youth. It can eat away at us as we deal with freshman year of college realities, or any aspect of life. From over-the-top graduation extravaganzas to “last-summer-at-home bucket lists a la Pinterest” to tear-filled Move-In Days and photos of students being elected most likely to succeed (#proudmom #bestchildintheworld) after their first two weeks on campus or finding their BFF right in their dorm room, the opportunities to feel inadequate are endless. It’s Fear Of Missing Out (FOMO) and for me, it requires vigilant effort to ward off, including frequent social media breaks and surrounding myself with real, authentic friends and trusted confidantes who aren’t afraid of my Ugly and aren’t afraid to show me theirs either.
A wise man I knew used to say, “Comparison Kills Contentment.” Yup. I had to (still have to, daily) make an intentional decision to Live My Own Life, Be Present and Be Grateful versus squandering the gifts right before me by focusing on how they compare to the gifts of others. For me, this will take a lifetime of practice, but it is life changing.
Honestly? I felt no small amount of (dare I say) relief once Jack went off to college. High school wasn’t great for him, and his high school years were no picnic for me either. I was ready to embrace a quieter, more peaceful (although lonelier) home life without my older son at home. I miss him when he’s away, sure. Lots. But it’s a whole new adventure to experience how our family of three-at-home evolves, and I’m super excited for all Jack had ahead of him. This is OUR individual experience. This is OUR story. It’s not going to look like other people’s stories, and that’s okay.
Accepting That Their Character is More Important Than Their Comfort
I’ve heard it said that God is more interested in your Character than in your Comfort. I am learning to embrace this truth not only for myself when dealing with freshman year of college realities and parenting young adult children, but for my kids, too.
When my kids are sad, it’s terribly inconvenient for me. Their discomfort is uncomfortable for me. I want relief RIGHT NOW, for them and for me. So much so, that I have sometimes short-changed the lesson Jack (or my high-school junior, Joe) is supposed to learn, in order to make us both feel better right now. It feels like a fix, but often it’s just kicking that can down the road to be tripped over another day. A lesson unlearned is destined to be repeated. I’m getting better at letting Jack sit with his discomfort (self-inflicted or otherwise), and trust that God has allowed him to be (or placed him) right there for some reason, whether or not I understand why (or ever will).
I have struggled all my parenting life with emotional codependence. “I’m only as happy as my saddest child”. (don’t know who coined that phrase, but it rings true for me). It is only in recent years that I’ve made progress in separating how my day is going from how my children’s days are going. I’m learning to let them be on their path, however rocky, without cutting my own knees on the stones to save them from the pain. This is called detaching with love. “I love you. I’m sad that you’re hurting. I don’t judge you for the consequences you’re dealing with, or the pain that you’re in. Nor do I have the ability to walk this path for you or remove you from it. It’s your life, and you’re going to have to navigate this journey on your own. I’ll be here to listen, to love you unconditionally and to share my experience and counsel, but this is your journey.”
Whatever is going on in Jack’s life (or Joe’s life), good or bad, is exactly where he’s supposed to be right now, for some reason I may not understand. I’ve had to remind myself to take the long view. Today’s heartache or disappointment may be tomorrow’s averted disaster. Today’s failure may be tomorrow’s changed path. Practicing this for my kids is HARD. But God has given me the gift of a few instances where I have personally experienced this truth. Each time I do, it strengthens my resolve. Better yet, Jack and Joe are experiencing this truth for themselves in their own lives.
Dealing With Freshman Year of College Realities Means Adjusting To A Different Parenting Rhythm
When Jack wasn’t here every day, parenting felt sporadic. The first few days and weeks, I texted or called more often than I should have. I worked to break this habit until we settled into a rhythm of a weekly call plus brief, near-daily texts. By about month three, I developed the ability to go several days without contacting Jack at all, which was good for him and for me. This still doesn’t feel natural to me, but it does feel necessary. Both of us seem to function better and more independently when I don’t know every little thing that’s going on. When I was in college, we relied on infrequent letters and even-more-infrequent care packages, plus a weekly phone call home (always on Sunday nights when it was only 7 cents per minute), and I managed to survive. Cell phones hadn’t been invented yet, nor had email or the Internet. Just because I CAN contact Jack easily and cheaply on a frequent basis doesn’t mean that I should.
Throughout freshman year, Jack continued to need me sporadically, unpredictably and (he felt) urgently, usually when things went wrong. I had to avoid the emotional, fix-it mode tailspin this could cause. I tried, not always successfully, to play the role of consultant versus fixer. I made a conscious effort to remember that I am now dealing with an adult son. I would tell myself to relate to him as adult-to-adult. For me, this means asking questions versus giving instructions. “Wow, that sounds frustrating. What do you plan to do about that?” It means empathizing, “Yeah, I’ve done that, too and wow, it sucks. I remember feeling really sad when that happened, but then I realized that…” It means asking permission to offer suggestions, “Would you like to hear some things that used to work for me in that situation?”
For me, the biggest challenge is knowing when to keep my distance and when it’s my duty as a parent to step in and advocate. I have zero advice to give on this topic, since I still get it wrong all the time (IE, the apology I still owe to that administrative assistant at the University of Memphis). But I’m making progress and learning each day. I now know that there are VERY FEW times once Jack moves out and heads to college when I should intervene. Consult and advise from a distance one adult to another, yes. Step in and take over, NOPE. I’ve tried it both ways, and I’m learning the hard way that letting Jack live his own life, stumbles and all, works better in the long run for both him and for me.
The other rhythm adjustment that is still challenging is volleying between having Jack home to having him move away, to having him back home for breaks, especially longer breaks like winter break and now, his first summer home. For this, I’m trying to stick to the truth that I cannot control other people, places or circumstances. I can only control myself. I can set boundaries that work for me and enforce them. This, too, is a practice that will take a lifetime to apply and improve, but I’m making progress.
Being Kind and Gentle With Myself and My Adult Son
As I reflect on freshman year of college realities from a parent’s perspective, I’m learning to remember that I’ve never been through this stage of parenting before, and that I will make mistakes. Jack’s never been a college freshman (now sophomore), and he will make mistakes. I’m trying to be kind and gentle with myself when I mess up. And I’m (hopefully) getting better at being kind and gentle with Jack when he messes up. I’m also trying to be much better at recognizing, acknowledging and praising progress in us both, and in our whole family.
I have to fight my innate tendency to see only the long path ahead, versus looking back and remembering how far we’ve come. I see evidence all over the place, every single day, of all that Jack’s learning, conquering, improving, doing really, really well! I try to remember to tell him so.
I’m also learning that the more I can view Life as an adventure versus a mission, the saner I will be.
Now onto the next chapter: Sophomore Year of College for Jack and Junior Year of High School for Joe. Let the games begin!
Moody’s article is honestly one of the best I’ve read regarding liberal arts colleges and what they are, because it doesn’t pit liberal arts colleges (LACs) against big, public research universities in an either/or format. People should think of different types of higher education institutions in terms of a spectrum of choices that offer varying advantages and trade-offs.
The liberal arts education versus vocational education debate has been hot for the last few years as college costs have gone up, because consumers want to know “Will I get a job? What’s the ROI?” Those are fair questions. Liberal arts colleges point to places like Epic Systems that hire smart kids no matter what the degree, and there’s a lot to be said for that. But if you want to be an engineer or nurse, you can’t do those jobs with a broad understanding of many different subjects. You need technical proficiency. So one type of college versus another isn’t categorically right or wrong. It’s just a better or worse fit based on what you want your college experience to do for you.
Why all the defensiveness among institutions of higher education? “This vs. that” debates ignore the uniqueness of one student’s college decisions based on the single, most important college planning factor: To what ends is college a means FOR YOU? As I tell students during my College Search work with them, “Get your #1 thing firmly in your mind, your college non-negotiable, and hold all possibilities up to that lens to find your best fit.” In other words, ask yourself, “If I get nothing else from my college investment of time and money, what’s the one thing I must get out of this?” Answering this question will improve your college search and help you find the right fit more easily.
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Stop! Before you read this, 
A friend recently introduced me to the “bullet journal”. At first, I thought she made it up. She’s wicked creative that way. But it’s actually a thing! Do a Pinterest search for “bullet journal” and you’ll be hit with a barrage of bullet journal templates, hipster fonts and Martha Stewart-esque watercolor marker drawings specially designed for your bullet journal. Sooooooo extra. But the idea is actually really simple. Take brief “bulleted” notes to capture what you want to remember.
There’s a huge difference between taking the general campus tour and investing the energy to spend time with the key contacts in your specific field of study. Not sure what you want to study yet? No problem. Pick something you’re interested in (business, math, art, healthcare, writing). At least three weeks before your campus visit, call that department and speak with the administrative assistant or program coordinator. Explain that you’ll be visiting and you’d like to meet with someone in that department while you’re there. The administrative assistant or program coordinator should know who to put you in touch with. During your meeting, ask them what a typical freshman course load looks like for someone in that field of study. Ask what kinds of careers people typically pursue with a degree in that field. Ask them what criteria or attributes they find make a successful student in that field. Whether or not you choose to pursue that field of study matters less than the insights you’re adding to your arsenal.
No Olive Garden, McDonalds or Buffalo Wild Wings allowed. You get plenty of that at home. Most campuses will provide you with a voucher to eat free in the campus cafeteria, which is another great opportunity to check out the student vibe on campus, as well as the food. For off-campus eating, pick a local eaterie from among the hangouts and hotspots for a chance to do the same. It won’t surprise some of you to learn that checking out new restaurants is one of Tom’s favorite parts of the campus visit.
This topic gives you another list of questions to ask of your tour guide and admissions personnel, as well as students you meet. Ask the admissions rep who gives the opening presentation about their key criteria for earning merit aid, whether it’s GPA, ACT score or other criteria. Ask about the average cost of on-campus housing and apartment rental. Ask about the quality of public transportation in the area or whether most students have a car on campus. These factors impact your estimated Cost of Attendance, which is critical as you learn about the cost of attending college in general, and compare and contrast this school with others.
Shedule downtime during your campus visit. It’s a good idea to take a break and process your thoughts. If you’re staying overnight as part of your visit, this can be at your hotel at the end of the day. Or you can simply find some quiet time at the local campus library or student union, grab a cup of coffee and jot a few notes on your bullet journal page. What do you like about this school? What concerns you, or what do you find disappointing? You can be brutally honest, since your campus visit bullet journal is for your eyes only. No one is going to judge your answers. There’s no right or wrong. Be honest about what you want, need, don’t want and don’t need in a college experience. It’s unique to you, and it’s for your own benefit.
Typically when you finish a campus visit, you’ll have amazing new insights, plus more questions. If this school is one you’d like to know more about, capture your next steps and commit to a timeline for achieving them. Perhaps the program coordinator or professor you spoke with mentioned the name of someone else in the department that can answer your questions. Jot that down and reach out soon via email or phone. Perhaps you became curious while on the tour about a student club or organization your tour guide mentioned. Maybe you didn’t have time to get to all the great hotspots and hangouts you learned about, and you want to check out their websites. Maybe you want to check out the school’s full course catalog or the graduation requirements for your field of interest and need to make a note to do that once you get home.
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