After more than a decade working with college-bound students and families, we’ve heard time and time again some of the most common fears about finding the right college. Here, we’ll spell out these fears and talk about how best to overcome them. You’re not alone in struggling with these common fears about finding the right college. Hopefully, you’ll feel a bit more at ease knowing you’re “normal”. And there’s a remedy to help overcome these fears.
What are the three biggest fears about finding the right college?
College Fear #1 “I’m not good enough.”
Bet you thought you were the only one who felt this way. Truth is, this is a big one. We hear versions of this all the time. It may also sound like this, “I’m not as good as so and so.” Parents, who can relate to their student feeling this way? Maybe you as a parent feel this way? Students may not always say this out loud, but we often hear from parents that this is a nagging feeling their student has, and it’s weighing them down.
Comparison kills contentment.
The problem is that there’s too much comparison. Comparison kills contentment. When you hear what someone else is doing or the colleges they’re looking at or what they want to major in, you think, “Wow, they have it all figured out. What’s wrong with me?” When Nancy Know-It-All shares her perfect ACT score and you’re staring at your less-than-stellar scores, you think, “I’ll never measure up.”
Stop yourself. Measure up to what? The only path you need to run is your own. Who cares what anyone else is doing? What counts is what’s right for YOU. If you’re concerned about how your options and progress stack up against those of your friends, you’re using the wrong measuring stick. You’re comparing your insides to other people’s outsides, meaning you’re comparing all your internal insecurities, thoughts and doubts to the edited, varnished, filtered life story that others present on the outside.
Use the right measuring stick.
Believe it or not, they, too, have their own self-doubts, challenges and deficiencies. How do I know this? Because this is true for every single human in the world. Other people are the wrong measuring stick. The right measuring stick is getting absolutely clear about what YOU need/want/don’t need/don’t want in your ideal college experience. (We call this the University of You™). Forget what everyone else is doing. Fix your focus on what you can control and what is your responsibility and your path. You’re not responsible for anyone else’s actions or aspirations, only yours. Chasing what someone else thinks is important won’t get you closer to what will ultimately be right for you. You are unique.
Our College Search services zero in on finding the University of You™, not the University of Them. We find that once students invest some time in self-discovery and can articulate what they need/want/don’t need/don’t want in the ideal college experience FOR THEM, they can then then use those insights to define their unique University of You™. They can then focus on their path versus what everyone else is doing. Plus, finding the right college options gets much clearer and easier. Once you know what you’re shopping for, it becomes much easier to know where to look. You can schedule a Free Consult in person or via video conference to learn more about College Search services to help you ditch the constant comparison and find clarity.
College Fear #2 “I’m going to make a big mistake.”
The path to college is fraught with fear of stepping in the mud. Parents feel this way all the time. Teens often feel this way, too. Consider this. Where do you get your information about college? If you watch the news, no wonder you’re freaked out. Most of what you hear in the media about college is all bad. There’s way too much scary, bad news out there about college. It’s nowhere near the whole truth, but it sure sells ad space, clicks and newspapers. We can all relate to hearing about college admissions scandals, crippling college debt, high transfer rates, low 4-year graduation rates and jobless, debt-ridden college graduates. It’s enough to make you want to hide under the covers and wait out the storm.
Ditch information overload for clarity and structure.
The problem is too much information and not enough structure. There’s no shortage of information about college out there. It’s so much that it can be overwhelming. And not all of the information out there is reliable. Turn a deaf ear to the masses of information and zero in on sources of clear direction that will help you get where you want to go.
We believe that the antidote to fear of making a huge mistake is to have a clear plan, timeline and method for adding the right colleges to your shopping cart so that you know exactly what to do and when. When you have a plan, you can tune out 99% of the noise and just run your race. One outstanding example is a family we’re working with in Minnesota. This student is a junior now. We started working together when she was a sophomore. We sat down and mapped out an action plan and timeline for key tasks by semester that made college planning work clear, easy and manageable. In the spring of her sophomore year, this student and her family spent their spring break touring colleges. This gave them a great sense early on for what does and doesn’t fit. It also made it really clear what standardized test scores and grades she would need to earn admission to her top-choice schools. That has provided a ton of focus for her junior year for schoolwork and ACT test prep.
This family has learned the value of starting early, making an action plan, having a method and tuning out all information but the clear, reliable information that will help them on their college path.
College Fear #3 “I’m going to get ripped off.”
This super common fear is kind of a Dad thing. Dads, can you relate?? It sounds like, “With our luck, we’re going to get stuck paying way too much for a crappy college, and in the end, it won’t get us where we want to go.” Or simply, “We’re going to go broke paying for college.” Or, “We’re going to miss out on some secret deal that everyone else knows about, and we’ll be suckers.”
Ignore the hype. Focus on key insights.
The problem is too much hype and not enough insight. There’s a lot of hype about college costs. And we each have that friend who goes on and on about the all-expenses-paid scholarship their kid earned, leaving us feeling like a chump. We can end up feeling like we’re on the outside looking in, bound to pay more than we would have if we would have known the secret.
Here’s the thing. There are ways to control college costs, but it’s not obvious and requires some digging. College costs are a little bit like airline tickets. The true cost you’ll pay isn’t obvious or transparent. It depends on where you’re going and what you bring to the table. Finding trustworthy information sources and reliable insights on the true cost of college as well as ways you can save money will help keep this common fear at bay.
For example, merit aid is one key strategy we discuss when helping parents and students get control of college costs. We talked recently with a family and mentioned merit aid and how it impacts college costs. They’d never heard the term “merit aid” before, and it was a game changer. Merit aid is not dependent upon financial need. It depends on your academic achievements and standardized test scores, and it differs from school to school. We specialize in helping students and families find hidden gems and high-value colleges that will reward you for your academic and other achievements.
Dads especially love feeling like they’re the one that got the killer deal for a change. And why pay more than you have to?
What do I do next to find the right college for me?
If you can relate to any (or all) of these common fears about finding the right college, we have good news. We can help. We have a University of You College Search method to find the best-fit colleges for you, and we can also help you get command of college costs and find better value for your college dollar. Schedule a free consult in person (in the Madison, WI area) or via video conference. LIKE us on Facebook and tune in to our free Facebook Live videos for free insights on a successful path to the college of your dreams.
First, let’s review the three key goals for ANY college campus visit:
Learn more about the specific college you’re visiting. Yeah, obvious, I know.
Learn more about that specific “type” of college (large, public research university or a small, liberal arts college, medium-private university) Once you’ve visited one large, public research university, you’ll have a better sense of whether that “type” of school is right for you and whether or not you should visit more colleges like that one.
Learn more about College in general and build on the University of You definition. By “University of You™”, we mean what you Need/Want/Don’t Need/Don’t Want in your own ideal college experience. For more about the University of You and how to define yours, schedule a free consult with us anytime! If you’re in the Madison, Wisconsin area, you can do this in person at our office, or for those in other parts of the country, we do this via video conference as well.
Every college campus visit you take helps you accomplish these three key goals. In that sense, there is no such thing as a “bad college visit”, even if what you learn is, “that college isn’t for me.” Or “That typeof college isn’t for me”. The more college campuses you visit, the more you’ll learn what makes a college a good fit or a bad fit for you. The more colleges you visit, the smarter you’ll be when it comes time to build your college shopping cart.
The Main Problem With Most College Campus Visits
When I tour college campuses (and I’ve toured nearly 140 college campuses) is that I see students and parents being far too passive. All too often, students and parents walk silently, following the tour guide and simply taking in what’s fed to them. Then they get back in their cars and drive away, having missed out on their BEST opportunity to get great insights from the people who know that campus best: the students! My recommendation is for you to be MORE ACTIVE. Shift to ACTIVE mode during your college campus visit (as well as before and after your visit) versus PASSIVE mode. Be an active asker of questions, and be an active listener. Be PROACTIVE to guide the quality and substance of your college campus visit. The best way to do this is to ASK GOOD QUESTIONS.
The Three Key Questions to Ask During A College Campus Visit
Over more than ten years of taking regular college campus visits all over the country, here are the three PRICELESS questions I’ve found to be the most productive when it comes to learning about colleges during a college campus visit. These questions are GOLD, my friends, and they should be in your arsenal of the MUST-ASK questions during your next college campus visit. Ask students you encounter during your time on campus these three key questions. Here they are!
“Why did you choose [insert name of college]?” Don’t just say, “this college”. Insert the name of the college you’re visiting. If you’re at Valparaiso, say, “Why did you choose Valpo?”
Then ask, “Do you mind if I ask what other colleges you were considering and what tipped the scales in favor of Valparaiso/Valpo [insert name of college here]?” The reason for this question is to identify overlaps or “cross apps”. Valpo, for instance, is a medium-sized, private, church-affiliated university, so it would have a lot in common with other Midwest-based, medium-sized, private, church-affiliated universities like Drake, Xavier, Butler or St. Thomas. You could gather quite a bit of information from learning what other schools students applied to. If you keep hearing one name over and over again, go check out that college, too. You may hear the name of a school you’ve never heard of that should be on your list.
Finally, “If you had a magic wand, what would you change about Valpo?” I used to ask this differently, “What’s the worst thing about this college?” Or “What don’t you like about this college?” But I found that people got a little bit defensive. No one wants to say anything bad about the school they’ve chosen. Everyone wants to feel they’ve made the best choice for them. The magic wand question diffuses this quite a bit. Even if you’ve made the best choice for you and it’s nearly perfect, most people will be able to tell you at least one thing they’d change if they had a magic wand. You’ll hear really interesting things when you ask this question.
Why it’s challenging to ASK STUDENTS QUESTIONS during your college campus visit.
I get it, folks. Asking students these questions pushes you out of your comfort zone. But frankly, isn’t getting out of your comfort zone a big part of what the shift to college is all about? And let’s face it. The fact that you’re making a six-figure+ purchase here is uncomfortable! Why wouldn’t you take the extra steps to ensure you’re making the best college decisions you can?
And yet, it’s super uncomfortable. For one thing, many people wear headphones around campus and they’re on their phones. This is different than when I started doing this 10 years ago. Tapping someone on the shoulder when they’re eyeball-deep in a screen is uncomfortable. Yet when I’ve done it, time and time again, I’ve been surprised how willing students are to share their experience about two of their favorite topics: THEM and THEIR CHOSEN COLLEGE. Also, you’re a high school student and it’s hard to approach a college student and ask them questions. It takes courage. It just does. This whole process takes courage and will push you out of your comfort zone. There’s no better, more efficient way to get answers to your questions than when you’re live and in front of the people who know this school best: the students who go there. Remember that they, too, were once in your shoes, and they know how anxious you’re feeling. You’ll be surprised how helpful they’ll want to be when you simply ask.
Here are some low-hanging fruit students to ask to make your question-asking challenge easier:
Ask your tour guide. This is the easiest ask of all.
Ask the student working at the university bookstore behind the counter. Ask while they’re ringing up your swag. I do this all the time!
Ask the student working as a server in the restaurant you try on or near campus. Ask them if they’re a student, and then dive into your three key questions.
Ask a student sitting by themselves in the Union as you walk through. It’s less scary sometimes to approach an individual than a small group, although…
Ask a group of 2-3 students, because often they’ll be more likely to talk if you say, “Hey, I’m visiting today. Can I ask the two/three of you a couple of super-quick questions about being a student here?” Often, when I’ve done this, I’ve been shocked at how long they want to talk about their experience. I hear them play off one another and compare notes, and I learn a TON in the process. Plus, you get 2-3 perspectives for the price of one. Bonus!
If you can, in advance of your visit, ask if you can sit in one a class in the department or field you’re interested in, and then ask students from that class as class is dismissed. Often, the professor will mention that you are there as a visitor and even prompt students to offer help, which they will. Our son Joe had this experience. Two students talked his ear off for nearly an hour toward the end of a college class period. He still says that was the highlight of his visit to that college campus, because he felt, “They weren’t trying to sell me anything. They were just being honest.”
For additional insights on steps to take both pre-visit and post-visit to maximize your college campus visits, check out our full-length Facebook video. You can also email me for detailed information on how to make the most of your college campus visits and even great note-taking tools like our Campus Visit Bullet Journal. We specialize in helping you make the most of every step of your college planning journey, and great college campus visits are at the top of that list.
Sophomore Goals: Begin your College Search and begin to define the University of You™.
As a high school sophomore, you’re probably already starting to get pokes and prods from well-meaning relatives and friends who are curious about your college plans. However, you might not even know where to start! The college search process can be overwhelming. We’ve created a short list of tasks you can complete as a sophomore to yield the best chances for college admission and the smoothest college search journey this side of the Mississippi.
It’s sophomore year, time to put your big kid pants on! It’s also time to begin your College Search, either on your own or with help. As a freshman, hopefully you took your first official college campus tour. Now, it’s time to ramp that up. Visit college options that interest you. We can help you find ‘hidden gems’ that could reward you financially for your academic and other achievements. Many students choose to work with us on their college search process starting sophomore year. Seize the day! The best way to learn more about a school is by taking the official college campus tour! If you’re not sure what this looks like, you can schedule a free consult anytime in person (for those near Madison, Wisconsin) or via video conference (for those outside the Madison area) and get your questions answered.
In addition to college campus visits, do online research about colleges that interest you. You can also contact college admissions staff via phone and email (advisors, professors, department heads, Honors department, etc.). They’re there to answer your questions, and can send you information via mail and email. This will give you a better feel of the offerings and vibe at each school on your growing list of college prospects. Also, don’t forget to make use of free college planning resources, such as your high school guidance counselor or websites like CollegeData.com!
Take Academic Commitment to the Next Level.
Just as sophomore athletes move up from the freshman team to the JV team, continue to add to your academic skill set throughout your sophomore year. Take academics to the next level in terms of commitment and the way you challenge yourself. Remember, the cumulative GPA you use to apply to colleges will be based on three (not four) years of high school. Sophomore year is prime time for dropping dimes in the classroom. Continue to build your academic stats, and you’ll end up with solid credentials by the time you apply to college. This could mean increasing your GPA, maintaining a rigorous curriculum, or even taking your first AP class (remember, AP exam credits often translate to less Gen Eds in college, which means you save money.)
Practice Makes Perfect.
The only way to practice the ACT is to actually take a practice ACT exam. The Pre-ACT, and Aspire test are different tests and don’t offer the same insight as a full-length practice ACT exam. At OnCampus College Planning, we offer free Practice Exams monthly. Sign up online!
Schedule your first practice ACT exam during the spring of your sophomore year. This will give you a benchmark heading into your junior year, so that you’ll know where you currently stand in relation to admission or merit aid thresholds. After taking your first practice exam and getting your score back, you can look at the Affordability/Scholarships page of your college options—which often contain information about ACT requirements for varying levels of merit aid—and see how much money you’d receive without seeking further test prep help. Compare that to what you could earn if you increase your ACT score. Nearly all college websites have a net price calculator located somewhere within the site, which allows you to plug in financial data and/or GPA and test scores to see your expected cost of attendance.
Sophomores, plan ahead. Before the first day of junior year, pick an official ACT/SAT Exam Date that’s BEFORE winter break of junior year based on your schedule and when you can focus. Make sure to prepare for this exam and do your best. ACT Exams are offered each year in February, April, June, July, September, October and December.
Need Assistance? We’ve Got You Covered.
We offer one-on-one ACT test prep, as well as a program called University of You™ College Search. University of You™ College Search is our exclusive process, designed and led by college planner Tom Kleese. Student and parents gain the ability to make confident, well-informed college decisions. With our exclusive University of You™ College Search Discovery Process, you’ll gain a crystal-clear picture of yourself and your college goals. You’ll learn to clearly articulate what you want, need, don’t want and don’t need in your ideal college experience. What emerges is the “University of You”, your unique definition of the school that best matches your unique abilities, interests and aspirations. We’ll then help you discover amazing college options, including hidden gems and high-value schools that will reward you financially, academically and personally for your achievements.
Soon-to-be freshmen, we mean you! Tackle your first-year college planning priorities. I can hear you now, “Hang on, I don’t even know how to find my locker yet!” Believe it or not, there are SIMPLE college planning priorities that a freshman student can achieve to prepare for college starting the first day you walk into high school.
Keep reading for college planning priorities for freshman year to set yourself up for college planning success. Click here to download our complete College Planning Roadmap that outlines college planning priorities for every grade and stage in high school.
Do you know your college planning priorities? Even if you’re just starting high school, you may already have well-meaning grandparents, aunts or uncles asking where you’re going to college, what your major will be, what you want to do when you grow up. It’s enough to make your head spin! Relax. Tap the brakes on big decisions. You have time for that later. Planning ahead doesn’t mean having answers yet. It DOES mean making academic decisions NOW that expand options later.
Make decisions now that expand options later.
The very fact that you DO NOT KNOW what you want to do after high school is the best reason to make smart decisions that keep options open. As a freshman, the most important college planning priority is to put your best academic foot forward. Your number-one college planning priority as a freshman is to build a strong academic foundation.
Let me say that again. Your number-one college planning priority as a freshman is to build a strong academic foundation. This sets you up to be able to have college options later. There are four key things you can do NOW to put your best academic foot forward.
Four Key Freshman Decisions for College Success
As a high school freshman, it’s imperative that you establish strong academic credentials right off the bat. Those middle school grades? They’re not going anywhere. No one but Mom cares what you got on your middle school progress reports.
On the other hand, your high school GPA starts day one. The cumulative GPA you’ll use to apply to college begins day one of freshman year. Day one!! A higher GPA often means increased merit aid and a better chance of admission to your top-choice schools. Even if you have no idea where you want to go to college yet (or if you want to go to college at all), make a commitment to earn grades that reflect your true academic ability. Make decisions now that expand options later. This means four key things that are well within your personal control as a student:
Turn in your homework.
It sounds simple, right? Yet you’d be surprised how many students are inconsistent about turning in homework. Even a few zeroes here or there tanks your GPA. Crush the easy stuff, by turning in daily assignments ON TIME. Avoid docked grades due to late assignments. You may not be able to control what grade you earn, but you can definitely make a commitment to yourself to control what you can control. That means turning in assigned work on time, every time.
Take courses that challenge you.
To be honest, as a freshman, you won’t have a lot of latitude in your schedule. When you do, don’t be afraid to take classes that challenge you versus electives that are a “slam dunk” or “easy A”. Challenging coursework is one of the key things colleges look for when evaluating prospective students. Get used to pushing yourself as a student. Embrace the challenge of classes that pushes you slightly beyond your comfort zone. Then rise to the challenge.
Establish good study habits. Before the school year begins, make a plan for how you’ll plan your school work each week. What are the key things you’ll do to stay organized, keep track of assignments, take good notes and stay on top of longer-term projects? Decide when and where you’ll study on a regular basis. Make “appointments” with yourself for “STUDYING” and keep them in your Calendar app in your phone. Set alarms for when it’s time to study, and stick to your study plan. Ask for help from a parent, teacher, guidance counselor or super-smart friend if you need ideas about how to establish good study habits from day one of high school.
Be AT LEAST as committed to academic pursuits as you are to extra-curriculuar activities.
We rarely work with students who have a ton of free time. Is there such a thing?? Most high school students are highly involved in athletics, the Arts, clubs and other extra-curriculars all year long. Commitment to activities is at an all-time high. And that’s great. Students should pursue activities they love most and have fun. However, colleges pay far more attention to your academic results than they do to the activities you’re involved in. Make sure your commitment to academics matches your post-high-school aspirations. If extra-curricular activities take up so much of your time that you don’t have time to be the student you want to be, give something up. There’s a myth out there that colleges are looking for “well-rounded students”. They’re not. Colleges want well-rounded student BODIES. Choose one or two activities you feel most passionately about and go deep — not broad. Save time and energy to be the student you want to be without losing sleep or sanity. Keep activities and academics in proper balance.
These four things will help you avoid the long-lasting consequences of poor freshman-year decision making. If you have upperclass friends, ask around. You’ll find many juniors and seniors who wish they’d taken their GPA seriously starting the first semester of freshman year. Hit the ground running, and you won’t have to play catch-up to get your GPA to where you want it to be!
The Not-So-Secret Truth about GPAs and College Applications
Here’s the truth. Your willingness to embrace this fact could save you a ton of heartache later. It sounds obvious, but it’s worth stating, so that you can fully absorb this truth. The cumulative GPA you use to apply to colleges will be based on three (not four) years of high school. You apply to colleges early fall of senior year when you only have three years’ worth of grades! That means your freshman year is a full one-third of the GPA you submit to colleges. And your first semester of your freshman year is a full one-sixth of that cumulative GPA. Let that sink in.
Too often, students think of freshman year as their “warm-up year”. If it doesn’t go well freshman year, they’ll pick up the pace after that. Big mistake. Get ready to hit the ground running the first day of your first semester of high school.
Beyond the Classroom: Get On Campus for College Visits
In addition to focusing on strong academic performance, freshmen students should do one more key thing.
Visit at least one college campus during your freshman year. Visit more than one college campus if your schedule allows it. Schedule and take the official campus tour for one (or more) college visits. You can choose schools of interest, perhaps one that is close to you. But any college campus that’s nearby will do. You can take an official tour while traveling on vacation. It’s okay even if it’s a college you have little interest in because the point is to get a feel for what College is like. Any college campus visit will help you do that.
Which school you visit is less important than visiting A COLLEGE CAMPUS early. Your goal isn’t to choose a school. Your goal is to get a feel for “College”. You can learn a lot about what College is like by taking a college campus visit. It’s super helpful to get the ‘lay of the land’ and establish reference points you can use to compare future colleges that you visit.
To schedule a college campus visit, go to the school’s website and look for a “Schedule a Tour” button. Schools WANT students to visit, so they typically make this easy to do. When in doubt, contact the Admissions office for the school and ask about scheduling a tour. It’s easier (and more fun) than you might think to check your first college campus visit off your list when you’re a freshman.
Get your college questions answered with a free consult.
OnCampus College Planning offers a free consult to anybody that has questions about their college search process. We LOVE to chat with freshmen and sophomores early in your college process, so we can answer your questions and point you in the right direction. Come on in with Mom and/or Dad and learn what you need to know about planning for college. Students and parents tell us this is super helpful and put many of their fears to rest, as well as gave them a ton of confidence about what to do and when. We also do free consults via Zoom videoconference with students and families outside of Wisconsin. We hope to see you soon!
Tune in next time for College Planning Tips for High-School Sophomores!
Photo credits for this blog post:
Girl holding book: Photo by Element5 Digital on Unsplash
Lockers: Photo by Joshua Hoehne on Unsplash
Students in classroom: Photo by NeONBRAND on Unsplash
Backpack and student: Photo by Scott Webb on Unsplash
I’m pretty sure that the same things I don’t want to hear when I screw up are the very things you hate hearing, too. Like me, you’re human. Humans screw up. That’s what we do sometimes. Yes, that means you. You mess up. So do your kids.
I’m talking mainly about those times when I know I’ve screwed up, and I’m admitting it to you. In that moment where I’m at the peak of vulnerability, I’m already down. No additional kicking needed. At those times in particular, there are a few things anyone who loves me shouldn’t say.
The very things I don’t want to hear are the very things I should avoid saying to my teenagers when they screw up. But let’s be honest. I say them sometimes. I don’t say them to my closest friend, but yeah, I’m guilty. I’ve said these things to my teen sons.
I want to change and grow. And I want to build my relationship with my teens, not tear it down. So I’m reminding myself how I want to be treated when I screw up. I thought I’d share this in case it’s helpful for other parents with teens.
Don’t say “Why did you do that?”
“Why’d you do that?” “Why in the world would you DO THAT?” This question’s evil twin is, “What were you thinking?!” Implication? You weren’t. Yeah, don’t ask me that. It releases my inner Kraken. And you DO NOT want to meet her. She will eat you alive.
There are two reasons that “Why?” this is one of the worst things you can ask me when I mess up.
I don’t know why I did that!
I don’t know why I do dumb things. And if I do, I’m probably not ready to admit it. When my screw up is fresh and raw, I don’t have a good answer as to why I did it. Sure, I can come up with a massive rationalization that sounds logical in my brain. I tell you what someone else did to provoke my bad behavior. I make lots of excuses. But in order to truthfully articulate the honest reasons for my actions, I need processing time. And I need a little gentleness while I unpack my actions or words and understand why I did what I did. Only then can I learn from it and avoid the same mistake in the future. And frankly it’s hard to think straight when there’s a Kraken on the loose.
Asking “why” makes me feel judged.
When you ask “Why’d you do that?”, I feel immediately judged. The story I tell myself is that what you’re saying is that you would never have done the same thing. That you’re somehow “above” this type of mistake. What I hear is that you can’t relate to me at all. It puts distance between me and you, and I am far less likely to come to you next time with an honest admission of a screwup. Who wants to confess to someone who can’t relate?
The Power of “Me, Too.”
When I screw up and I know that I’ve screwed up, I don’t need judgment. I need compassion and empathy. The definition of empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
If you want to be helpful, say something like, “Man, I’ve done that, too.” Or “I can relate to how you must be feeling.” Or “You’re not the first person to make this mistake, and you won’t be the last.” Or just say, “Man, that sucks. You must feel awful.” Say SOMETHING to help me feel normal and less alone than I do in the wake of a major screw up.
On the other hand, if you do in fact want to punish me for my screw up and make me feel worse, then by all means, ask me why I did what I did. But don’t expect a helpful answer, because I won’t have one at that moment.
Don’t say, “I knew this would happen.”
If you love me at all, keep your predictions to yourself, Nostradamus. Come on, that’s just mean. Even if you thought that I would screw up because I have a pattern of making this mistake in the past, don’t say it out loud, unless you want me to feel worse than I already do.
When I make a mistake, I’ve already beat myself up worse than you ever could. I remember all the times I’ve made the same mistake. I doubt my ability to ever get past my tendency to behave badly over and over again. So the last thing I need from you, especially if you’re someone who claims to be in my corner is to say you knew I’d screw up.
And please don’t start listing all the times I’ve done this same thing in the past. I know that. I have an inventory of past screwups that’s longer than you could ever remember. I wear it on my conscience like a chain. I’ve already berated myself with my laundry list of past failures on my way to confess to you what I did.
The Power of, “That must be hard.”
If my mistake was something that will hurt me and not you, just acknowledge that I’m in a tough spot. Empathy wins over smart-assery every time.
If my mistake was a transgression against you and that creates problems for you and I’m admitting it to you, start with, “Thanks for being honest.” Or “Thanks for telling me.”
Saying “that must be hard”, “thanks for being honest” or “thanks for telling me” diffuses my anger, defensiveness and pride. It opens up a channel for dialogue about how we move forward. If your goal is continued relationship with me, try these.
On the other hand, if your goal is to make me feel worse and alienate me, then by all means, tell me you knew I was going to screw up.
Don’t say, “I told you so.”
The only thing I need less than a Nostradamus whose psychic powers predicted my mistake is a Know It All. Even if you did tell me so, please for the love of all things holy, don’t say it out loud. It may make you feel better for a moment, but it will make me feel worse for a lot longer. And it will reduce the chances that I’ll open up to you again the next time I mess up. I’m far less likely to ask advice from a Know It All.
The power of a question.
Instead of statements that show how much smarter you are than me, ask me a sincere question. Depending on the nature of my screwup, one of the following questions can open up my mind to thinking through my next steps and open a conversation between me and you that builds rather than damages our relationship.
“What’s your next step?”
“What can you do to make it right?”
“How would you feel if you were me?”
“What are you going to do about that?”
“What’s a possible solution to your problem?”
“What can I do to help?”
Why does this matter?
We are human. We screw up. Our teenagers screw up. Consider this. Have you learned more in your life from the things you did right, or the things you messed up? Life is the best teacher. But as parents, we want the lesson to sink in NOW. Sadly, that’s not always how life works. Not for us and not for our teens.
When our teenagers screw up, we feel anger, disappointment, hurt and fear. If we can pause before responding, we can give ourselves the time we need to focus our attention on the bigger goal: to stay connected to our teens, to help them learn from their mistakes, to maintain their trust in and relationship with us.
We have an opportunity here if we choose to take it. The way we respond as a parent when our teen screws up can be a huge relationship builder instead of a relationship wrecker.
Our goal as parents is to stay connected to our teenagers. Acting from a place of vulnerability, grace and love builds relationship. Acting from a place of self-righteousness, anger and judgment damages relationship.
What I want most is for my teen sons to know that no matter what, they can come to me when things are really, really bad, and trust me with the worst of it.
This is super, super hard. I get this wrong. A lot. But I’m getting better. And I’ll bet I will get another chance to practice tomorrow, or maybe even later today. We’re all in this together, folks.
First, let’s review the three key goals for ANY college campus visit:
When I tour college campuses (and I’ve toured nearly 140 college campuses) is that I see students and parents being far too passive. All too often, students and parents walk silently, following the tour guide and simply taking in what’s fed to them. Then they get back in their cars and drive away, having missed out on their BEST opportunity to get great insights from the people who know that campus best: the students! My recommendation is for you to be MORE ACTIVE. Shift to ACTIVE mode during your college campus visit (as well as before and after your visit) versus PASSIVE mode. Be an active asker of questions, and be an active listener. Be PROACTIVE to guide the quality and substance of your college campus visit. The best way to do this is to ASK GOOD QUESTIONS.
“Why did you choose [insert name of college]?” Don’t just say, “this college”. Insert the name of the college you’re visiting. If you’re at Valparaiso, say, “Why did you choose Valpo?”
Here are some low-hanging fruit students to ask to make your question-asking challenge easier:
It’s sophomore year, time to put your big kid pants on! It’s also time to 
Just as sophomore athletes move up from the freshman team to the JV team, continue to add to your academic skill set throughout your sophomore year. Take academics to the next level in terms of commitment and the way you challenge yourself. Remember, the cumulative GPA you use to apply to colleges will be based on three (not four) years of high school. Sophomore year is prime time for dropping dimes in the classroom. Continue to build your academic stats, and you’ll end up with solid credentials by the time you apply to college. This could mean increasing your GPA, maintaining a rigorous curriculum, or even taking your first AP class (remember, AP exam credits often translate to less Gen Eds in college, which means you save money.) 
Schedule your first practice ACT exam during the spring of your sophomore year. This will give you a benchmark heading into your junior year, so that you’ll know where you currently stand in relation to admission or merit aid thresholds. After taking your first practice exam and getting your score back, you can look at the Affordability/Scholarships page of your college options—which often contain information about ACT requirements for varying levels of merit aid—and see how much money you’d receive without seeking further test prep help. Compare that to what you could earn if you increase your ACT score. Nearly all college websites have a net price calculator located somewhere within the site, which allows you to plug in financial data and/or GPA and test scores to see your expected cost of attendance. 
We offer 
The very fact that you DO NOT KNOW what you want to do after high school is the best reason to make smart decisions that keep options open. As a freshman, the most important college planning priority is to put your best academic foot forward. Your number-one college planning priority as a freshman is to build a strong academic foundation.
As a high school freshman, it’s imperative that you establish strong academic credentials right off the bat. Those middle school grades? They’re not going anywhere. No one but Mom cares what you got on your middle school progress reports.
Before the school year begins, make a plan for how you’ll plan your school work each week. What are the key things you’ll do to stay organized, keep track of assignments, take good notes and stay on top of longer-term projects? Decide when and where you’ll study on a regular basis. Make “appointments” with yourself for “STUDYING” and keep them in your Calendar app in your phone. Set alarms for when it’s time to study, and stick to your study plan. Ask for help from a parent, teacher, guidance counselor or super-smart friend if you need ideas about how to establish good study habits from day one of high school.
Here’s the truth. Your willingness to embrace this fact could save you a ton of heartache later. It sounds obvious, but it’s worth stating, so that you can fully absorb this truth. The cumulative GPA you use to apply to colleges will be based on three (not four) years of high school. You apply to colleges early fall of senior year when you only have three years’ worth of grades! That means your freshman year is a full one-third of the GPA you submit to colleges. And your first semester of your freshman year is a full one-sixth of that cumulative GPA. Let that sink in.
“Why’d you do that?” “Why in the world would you DO THAT?” This question’s evil twin is, “What were you thinking?!” Implication? You weren’t. Yeah, don’t ask me that. It releases my inner Kraken. And you DO NOT want to meet her. She will eat you alive.
When I screw up and I know that I’ve screwed up, I don’t need judgment. I need compassion and empathy. The definition of empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
If my mistake was something that will hurt me and not you, just acknowledge that I’m in a tough spot. Empathy wins over smart-assery every time.
Instead of statements that show how much smarter you are than me, ask me a sincere question. Depending on the nature of my screwup, one of the following questions can open up my mind to thinking through my next steps and open a conversation between me and you that builds rather than damages our relationship.
We are human. We screw up. Our teenagers screw up. Consider this. Have you learned more in your life from the things you did right, or the things you messed up? Life is the best teacher. But as parents, we want the lesson to sink in NOW. Sadly, that’s not always how life works. Not for us and not for our teens.
What I want most is for my teen sons to know that no matter what, they can come to me when things are really, really bad, and trust me with the worst of it.
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